Game of Boners: A Different Kind of Pie

Well, what do you know! Last night we had a full episode of Game of Thrones with nary a glimpse of nip or butt! Sure, there was a flash of side labia at the Royal Wedding, but these body parts are gonna have to do a whole lot better than a flash if they want to be included in our count. You hear that gratuitous nudity? YOU’RE SLACKING.

And yet wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles! It was actually a pretty active episode — even with the decided lack of nameless prostitutes languorously fingering themselves in the background of scenes that have nothing to do with them. In fact, major shit happened that had nothing to do with nudity, but before we get to the incident that everyone wants to talk about, let’s quickly sum up the rest.

Bran is still having visions. Hodor is Hodor. Shae has been put on a ship out of King’s Landing. Theon, who I was not eager to catch up with, is now a tortured shell of a man who goes by the name of Reek. The fire lady and Stannis are still — I don’t know, doing whatever dumb fire shit it is that they always do. Sorry, but their storyline has always been the most boring and no amount of little girls with crocodile faces is ever going to change that.

But now onto the Royal/Purple Wedding, or, as it should have been called, the Purple Wed-ZING! thanks to the high number of well crafted insults being thrown around by party guests. It was almost like watching a roast on comedy central, the only difference being that the Purple Wedding was actually funny.

Of course, Olenna Tyrell, queen of witty repartee, had her share of good lines (like this foreshadowing remark made to Sansa: “War is war, but killing a man at a wedding. Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage.”), but her offspring didn’t fare to poorly either. When Jaime confronts Ser Loras about his engagement to Cersei, tauntingly telling him that he will never end up marrying her, Loras responds with a cool “And neither will you.” Those Tyrells! Always so quick to get on the Lannisters’ backs about a little brother/sister incest.

Then there was Oberyn Martell’s excellent dig at the Lannisters after Cersei and Tywin dare to step to him with some bullshit about bringing his low-birth lover to the wedding (in a gold, gaucho jumpsuit, no less!). “In some places, the high-born frown upon those of low birth,” Oberyn remarks, before going on to reference the Lannisters’ history of brutality. “In other places, the rape and murder of children is considered distasteful. What a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent, that your daughter Myrcella has been sent to live in the latter sort of place.”