Haagen-Dazs Japan Is Going to Release Vegetable-Flavored Ice Cream

In Depth

Apparently, no one that works for Haagen-Dazs Japan has ever tasted either vegetables OR ice cream, given their most recent product announcement.

According to a press release by Haagen-Dazs Japan and translated by rocketnews.com, the company plans to release two new flavors on May 12: “Tomato Cherry” and “Carrot Orange.” Apparently, they’re part of the “Spoon Vege” series, and you’re lying through your goddamn teeth if the juxtaposition of those words along with the idea of the flavors themselves didn’t IMMEDIATELY cause you to re-arrange them as “Spooge Ven” in your brain. As far as Kat and I can tell, this is, astoundingly, legit, despite the fact that my rational mind is telling me it has to be satire over and over and over. The existence of this product poses a philosophical conundrum for me: in a universe in which I have but a finite amount of time before I crumble to ash, how is it possible for me to scream the number of screams necessary to convey my feelings regarding vegetable-flavored ice cream?

I can’t even with this. Nevermore shall I even. My evens have vanished, as dust in the wind. All of my evens have been lost at sea, and will soon begin to themselves be unable to even, after which they will anthropomorphize a volleyball. Once the volleyball is unable to even, we will have reached evenception and then the universe will implode.

OK, I think we’re done here.

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