McDonald’s has now released a video detailing how the McRib is made. Incredibly, no part of the process involves sacrificing an orphan to an Elder God.
The two are met by a man so generically American I’m surprised his name isn’t Chuck Flaghumper, then Bellamy is given the chance to inspect the giant hamper full of meat that apparently makes up the process before Pork Parts: The Engrindening begins. The hamper-chunks, we are told, contain “no bones, no gristle.” They do, however, contain the lamentations of my GI tract as it remembers the atrocities I’ve committed upon it in the name of the McRib and countless other horrible dietary decisions. Shut up, small intestine, or I’ll start drinking buffalo sauce again. That’ll learn you.
Ahem. The trio then ascend into the catwalks to survey the ceremonial grinding of the pork honks. During the process, water, salt, dextrose, and preservatives are added to the mixture (presumably the part where they add the gelatinized anuses was left on the cutting room floor). Bellamy asks what the preservatives are used for, and Flaghumper says they’re used to “lock in the flavor,” which sounds good until you think for even half a second and realize that no, that is in no way what preservatives are used for. They’re used to keep should-be ancient food from expiring. That’s why they call them “preservatives.” Nevertheless, Bellamy accepts this explanation, probably because if he doesn’t, McDonald’s will force him to stay in Oklahoma, and no lie is too great to escape that grim fate.
The McRib chunks are then stamped into the familiar pseudo-tire track shape and flash frozen. The trio then goes to look at them on the other side of the conveyor belt. The big twist? The image Bellamy saw on Twitter turns out to actually be the McRib in all its frozen, gutter snow-looking glory. Ah-ha, but don’t we all feel better about it now that we’ve seen the process that went into creating that gray, be-nubbin’d block of despair? No. No, we do not. Not even a little bit.
Now if you’ll excused me, I have to go buy some McRibs, because I have a frankly dangerous masochistic streak coupled with a complete lack of self-preservation instincts. I’m not actually kidding. Enjoy the above video.
