Well, it’s that time of the year again—namely, when the Hollywood Holiday-Themed Romantic Comedy Ensemble Movie Industrial Complex tries to convince us that we should go see Zac Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer star in New Year’s Eve. Um, no thanks? Anyway, the premiere happened last night in LA. The fashion was mostly predictable with the odd delightful detail here and there. Probably like the movie (oh snap).
Let’s start with the only dress I truly liked. Abigail Breslin and her other tweenage cohorts in Hollywood (e.g. Chloe, Elle, Dakota) have been killing it in the red carpet lately. This is a floaty, wispy, pretty, princess-ey dress that I bet is a lot of fun to wear when you’re Abigail’s age, but it’s not just angel dust and saccharine sweetness. The lampshade shape of the skirt is unusual and playful. Everyone wore peeptoes last night, but Abigail’s were the least yawn-inducing because at least hers have some more .
Okay, I lied about only digging Abigail’s duds. I also liked Lea Michele’s dress. It’s not an exciting or innovative dress, style-wise, but it fits her like a glove, and she’s glowing in it. Her makeup is soft and dewy, her hair glamorous and shiny, and her bling minimal. Usually heavily beaded dresses with deep V-necklines tend to squash the boobs into two vertical pancakes, but Lea looks properly supported and foxy as hell.
Sofia Vergara’s dress is composed of a bustier top that somehow fans out into a lace bustle. She’s wearing black peeptoes, which are fine, and carrying an alligator red clutch, which is whatever, and a snake bracelet that would have been cool if it didn’t look so cheap in photographs.
This is a cruel judgement to make, but I’ve always found Katherine Heigl to be innately lacking in style. I’ve never once seen her in something that made me think, “Oh wow, that’s stylish and interesting.” Also, I have to point out that she totally has Kelly Taylor’s post-Brenda era 90210 hair. It should be obvious that her strapless black lace dress is completely bland and devoid of style interest. Her shoes and necklace belong to the part of Tackytown that’s so tacky, it doesn’t even recognize itself.
There’s that SEXYFIERCESMOULDER face again. I love that Fergie can’t seem to stop posing even for a second. Her facial muscles are not as egregiously contorted into an expression of smouldering fierceness as they were last night, maybe because she knew this dress was super boring in every way. Also, why again did everyone wear peeptoes and match their shoes to their dress? Was there a dress code on the invite?
Hilary Swank’s dress looks much better from the side than the front. I’m not the biggest fan of bejeweled caftan mini dresses, but Hilary’s working this one pretty hard. Also, either there was a wind machine last night, or she somehow got her hair to look perfectly windblown, even when standing still. Also, those shoes are hideous. Also, they’re peeptoes. Also, every shoe last night was a peeptoe. Also, I’ll shut up about how boring peeptoe shoes are.
Oh gosh, these outfits are spinning me into a catatonic rage, and yes, I know that’s technically not possible, but it’s happening. Courtney Hansen might want to lay off the bronzer. Michelle Pfeiffer’s dress is rather poorly ruched and she matched her shoes to her dress to her clutch. Matchy matchy — but still, she’s gorgeous so whatever. Meanwhile, Sophie B. Hawkins does not give a shit, which is not a bad attitude to have at these events.
The dude on the left is so incredibly handsome, stylish, and dashing that I had to include him. Can anyone identify him? I know Zac Efron is supposed to be some kind of heartthrob, but he just looks like a wax statue to me. Ryan Seacreast, however, actually is a wax statue.
Ashton, for whatever reason, is dressed like the Assistant Principal at my local high school. Cory Monteith and Chris Colfer showed up sloppy and wrinkled. Though in theory I really like the shirt and vest combo on Chris, the execution is a mess.
Mark Salling is wearing the official Douche Who Hits on Women at Clubs uniform. Ludacris’ suit is properly fitted and looks quite smart on him. Joey McIntyre is officially no longer hot, and he’s dressed like a walk-on character for a cafe scene in Felicity.
Short, tacky, and shiny: exhibit A, B, and C.
How did this happen? Alyssa Milano is in a ruched spandex dress with a side ruffle. I won’t tell you what your own eyes can. Barbara Eden’s Jeanie/genie pose is unnecessary, but I do like a woman who wears velour pants to a movie premiere. And now we come to the heinous end: Shea Curry takes us home with an extremely uninspired dress, too much ugly jewelry, and really bad shoes. Good day to all.