How to Fix Your Life: Waking Up With a Good Attitude

By Mark Shrayber | July 30, 2014 | 11:25am

In Depth

Waking up in the morning is hard. Waking up at any other time is even harder (especially if you have been napping). Sometimes you just want to stay in bed because work sucks/life sucks/you have the depression like me. Here’s how to fix your attitude in several easy steps!

What you will need:

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One (1) piece of pizza or another edible substance that you enjoy. Sometimes I like to replace the pizza with a Pop Tart or a delicious Fruit By The Foot.

One (1) plate. Paper, plastic or porcelain: The choice is yours.

One (1) pillow. Please make sure this pillow is functional and not decorative because there is a difference and sometimes you get yelled at for getting pizza sauce on something that cost $19.99 and money doesn’t just grow on trees, Mark, okay? People work all day to have nice things and you’re going to need to take better care of our belongings or we are going to have a serious talk about the lack of consideration you sometimes show me in this relationship.

Now that you have gathered your materials, you will need to follow these directions:

1. Place your delicious piece of pizza on the plate. (DO NOT EAT THE PIZZA.) (ARE YOU EATING IT? THAT IS BAD! THAT PIZZA IS FOR LATER!)

2. Place the plate holding your delicious piece of pizza on the pillow beside you. If you sleep alone, this should be no problem and you should be happy you have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. If you sleep with another person, you may either ask them to place the plate with your delicious piece of pizza next to you when they wake up or wait until they are taking their 25 minute shower (because we’re not going through a drought or anything. No, you go ahead! Don’t worry about leaving any hot water for me, I prefer cold showers anyway) to place the delicious piece of pizza on the pillow next to you. If you must do the latter, you may want to prepare the plate/delicious pizza combination and leave it out in the kitchen before you go to bed or place it in the drawer of your nightstand or on the floor.

3. Go back to sleep until it is time to wake up and face your day. If you have placed your delicious piece of pizza/plate combination on the pillow next to you the night before you may skip directly to step four (4).

4. Here comes the alarm, hope that wasn’t a sex dream you were having! Open your eyes and look around you. Sigh if you need to. Yawn. Take a moment. I once read that waking up is traumatic and that you should do it slowly and systematically and also give yourself a massage. I think the massage is supposed to be non-sexual. But that’s none of my business.

5. Slowly turn to your delicious slice of pizza. Make sure not to surprise it!

6. Grasp your delicious slice of pizza with both hands (one hand is acceptable if you are advanced).

7. Eat your delicious slice of pizza. (Pro tip: Make sure to bring the plate back into the kitchen once you are done because flies are not charming houseguests and also you don’t want to have to split the cost of fly paper, okay?) (Okay!)

8. Get up and face the day! I guarantee that you now feel better than before, because a delicious slice of pizza is the best cure for anything (that is not a medical issue). If you were gloomy before, you are now full with pizza; If you were already feeling good, you are now feeling even better. Here is a pictorial representation of how you should feel right now:

TROUBLESHOOTING

I do not like pizza: Okay, you can substitute something else but it can’t be curry or soup or anything liquid. It can also not be alcohol or drugs because winners don’t use drugs or cheat and you are a winner!

The instructions were unclear: Go back and read them again! Make sure to go over all the steps several times (sometimes doing it with a friend helps) to confirm that you know exactly what you are doing and have a pleasant experience. I do not want you to become confused and get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan. That is not a good way to start the day.

This is stupid and won’t work: No, you know what is stupid and won’t work? Your face and your mom. This is probably the best idea I’ve ever had and I have tested it several times in a controlled environment. It works if you want it to. If it’s not working ask yourself if you might be the problem. Are you ready to have a good day or aren’t you? That’s some real talk and you need to process it.

I will only do this if Kim Kardashian/Jennifer Lawrence/Laura Beck endorses this: They do. Please email [email protected] if you would like me to provide proof. I will be happy to answer messages in the order they are received and promise to get back to everyone by February 30th, 2015. In the meantime, please try this method of fixing your attitude.

Tracy Moore told me that eating processed food so early in the morning is unhealthy: Yes, well, Tracy Moore also pooped herself during childbirth. Are you going to listen to someone who has never* pooped themselves in a hospital setting or someone who doesn’t even take naps and thinks small plates are an acceptable dinner option?

If you have not read Tracy Moore’s piece on pooping oneself during the birth of a child I suggest you do because it is very funny and made me a huge fan of her work before I even began working with her, but I would not tell her that because I am the coolest person here, okay?

My pet might eat the pizza: That is a very valid concern. I have two possible solutions for you: One, you may want to train your pet not to eat the pizza. There are many fine establishments that traffic in the education of small animals! If that sounds too daunting or expensive, I suggest you substitute pizza with another food substance that your pet will not like. You may want to experiment. If all else fails, you may want to put your delicious wake-up item on your headboard, where your pet may not be able to get to it! Remember, practice makes perfect!

Please note that the views expressed in this post are mine only and are not supported or endorsed by other members of the Jezebel team except for Callie and Rebecca because they are cool people who know a good thing when they see it and called me a genius and then told me they would see me tomorrow and signed off of chat probably to order a delicious pizza. They’re okay.

* I realized after writing this that I have, in fact, pooped myself in a hospital setting. In my defense, this was because I thought I had appendicitis once and the doctors were all “we have to check” and I was all “whooo, no school!!! Suck it, 10th grade!” and the doctors were all “TIME FOR AN ENEMA” and I was like “WHAT?” but by then it was too late. So, really, not. my. fault.