If Samuel Alito Were to React to the Words of Samuel Alito

On Monday night, Politico published a leaked draft opinion showing that the Supreme Court is ready to overturn Roe v. Wade sometime between now and the end of June, when the court’s term typically ends. The scorched earth opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito, who cited a 17th-century English jurist that supported marital rape and sentenced two women to death for witchcraft. Alito canceled an appearance at the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals judicial conference that begins today—perhaps because he was worried about being pelted with “dangerous” fruit, like spiky pineapples.

While Alito was appointed to the court in 2005 by President George W. Bush, he’s a dude who definitely acts and sounds like he must have been appointed by President Donald “Grab ‘Em By the Pussy” Trump. The man couldn’t keep a poker face when President Barack Obama commented on the Citizens United ruling during his 2010 State of the Union address, and in a November 2020 speech he outlined a cornucopia of grievances, whining about pandemic restrictions, free speech, insurance coverage of birth control (??), and that people who oppose marriage equality are now considered bigots. Then, after the Supreme Court let Texas’ six-week abortion ban take effect and an Atlantic writer correctly said that the court nullifed Roe without so much as an oral argument, Alito called the critique “false and inflammatory” and said it painted a picture that was “very sinister and threatening.”

Alito has long been hostile to both birth control and abortion and, as a lower-court judge, he voted to uphold a spousal notification requirement for abortion in Pennsylvania. That part of the law was struck down in 1992’s Planned Parenthood v. Casey—which reaffirmed but ultimately weakened Roe—and Alito very much appears to be on the verge of writing the majority opinion overturning both Roe and Casey. To say that Alito has dreamed about this day is a supreme understatement.

And now, we present photos of Justice Alito reacting to the strident words of Justice Alito.

Alito draft opinion:

“The Casey plurality also misjudged the practical limits of this Court’s influence. Roe certainly did not succeed in end­ing division on the issue of abortion. On the contrary, Roe “inflamed” a national issue that has remained bitterly divi­sive for the past half-century. See Casey, 505 U.S., at 995 (Scalia, J., dissenting); see also R.B. Ginsburg, Speaking in a Judicial Voice, 67 N.Y.U. L. Rev. 1185, 1208 (1992) (Roe may have “halted a political process,” “prolonged divisive­ness,” and “deferred stable settlement of the issue.”). And for the past 30 years, Casey has done the same.”

Alito, probably: “Sure, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s critiques of Roe were that the decision may have actually prevented Congress from passing a federal abortion right and that she wished Roe had been rooted in the right to equality, not privacy, but what does context matter when your goal is to own the libs by citing their abortion hero?”

Alito draft opinion:

“Two treatises by Sir Matthew Hale described abortion of a quick child who died in the womb as a ‘great crime’ and a ‘great misprision.’ See M. Hale, Pleas of the Crown.”

Alito, probably: “Sir Matthew Hale’s writing laid the foundation for the marital rape exemption globally and he believed capital punishment should extend to kids as young as 14 and had two women executed for witchcraft. Sounds like a swell guy to me!”

Alito draft opinion:

“And we see no reason to discount the significance of the state laws in question based on these amici’s suggestions about legislative motive. 41 [footnote 41:] Other amicus briefs present arguments about the motives of proponents of liberal access to abortion. They note that some such supporters have been motivated by a desire to suppress the size of the African American population. See Brief for Amici Curiae African American, Hispanic, Roman Catholic and Protestant Religious and Civil Rights Organization and Leaders Supporting Petitioners 14.21; see also Box v. Planned Parenthood of Indiana and. Kentucky, 139 S. Ct. 1780, 1783-84 (2019) (THOMAS J, dissenting from the denial of certiorari). And it is beyond dispute that Roe has had that demographic effect. A highly disproportionate percentage of aborted fetuses are black. See, e.g, Center for Disease Control, Abortion Surveillance—United States, 2019, 70 Surveillance Summaries at 20, tbl. 6 (Nov. 26, 2021). For our part, we do not question the motives of either those who have supported and those who have opposed laws restricting abortions.”

Alito, probably: “My buddy Clarence ‘Abortion is Eugenics’ Thomas is the most senior justice in the group that voted to overturn Roe, but he didn’t assign this opinion to himself for…….reasons, so I had to throw him a little crumb. Bros before hoes.”

Alito draft opinion:

“Our decision returns the issue of abortion to those legislative bodies, and it allows women on both sides of the abortion issue to seek to affect the legislative process by influencing public opinion, lobbying legislators, voting, and running for office. Women are not without electoral or political power. It is noteworthy that the percentage of women who register to vote and cast ballots is consistently higher than the percentage of men who do so.”

Alito, probably: “Sure, I voted to gut the Voting Rights Act two different times and helped allow unlimited dark money in politics, and Congress is so gerrymandered and unrepresentative that conservatives are now emboldened to plot a nationwide six-week abortion ban, but saying that the womenfolk aren’t powerless sounds good.”

Alito draft opinion:

“Without the availability of abortion, [defenders of Roe and Casey] maintain, people will be inhibited from exercising their freedom to choose the types of relationships they desire, and women will be unable to compete with men in the workplace and in other endeavors.

Americans who believe that abortion should be restricted press countervailing arguments about modern developments. They note that attitudes about the pregnancy of unmarried women have changed drastically; that federal and state laws ban discrimination on the basis of pregnancy, that leave for pregnancy and childbirth are now guaranteed by law in many cases, that the costs of medical care associated with pregnancy are covered by insurance or government assistance; that States have increasingly adopted ‘safe haven’ laws, which generally allow women to drop off babies anonymously; and that a woman who puts her newborn up for adoption today has little reason to fear that the baby will not find a suitable home.”

Alito, probably: “Now I’m going to tip my hat to Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who calmly reminded everyone in December that women no longer need abortion rights because safe-haven laws exist. Women can now simply gestate for nine to 10 months in the country with one of the world’s highest maternal mortality rates, take unpaid leave to recover from childbirth (if they survive), then stick their newborn in a metal box at a hospital or fire station. Problem solved!”

Alito draft opinion:

“Unable to show concrete reliance on Roe and Casey themselves, the Solicitor General suggests that overruling those decisions would ‘threaten the Court’s precedents holding that the Due Process Clause protects other rights.’ Brief for United States as Amicus Curiae 26 (citing Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644 (2015); Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2008); Griswold v. Connecticut, 381 U.S. 479 (1965)). That is not correct for reasons we have already discussed. As even the Casey plurality recognized, ‘[a]bortion is a unique act’ because it terminates ‘life or potential life.’ 505 U.S., at 852; see also Roe, 410 U.S., at 159 (abortion is ‘inherently different from marital intimacy,’ ‘marriage,’ or ‘procreation’). And to ensure that our decision is not misunderstood or mischaracterized, we emphasize that our decision concerns the constitutional right to abortion and no other right. Nothing in this opinion should be understood to cast doubt on precedents that do not concern abortion.”

Alito, probably: “Sure, I’m the man who called claims that the court nullified Roe eight months ago in Texas ‘false and inflammatory’ and have now written a majority opinion overturning Roe, but you should totally trust me that this court won’t touch marriage equality, birth control, or same-sex sex, I swear.”

Alito, probably: “Have a nice summer ladies!!! (No, I do not recognize that transgender men and nonbinary people can get pregnant.) Americans pay me $274,000 a year plus benefits to do this job—off to grab a margarita the size of my head.”