Impassioned Email From a Sorority Sister: NO SEX ON THE RED COUCH

Because there’s no shortage of disproportionately crazy emails amongst young people learning the ways of the world, we’ve made an open call for ridiculous emails from sororities (or fraternities). Here’s our first installment.

As if the experience of leaving home and learning to live with strangers weren’t ridiculous enough, doing so with a group of “sisters” or “brothers” (who are still strangers, really, but don’t tell that to the head of Pledge Ed) towards whom you are supposed to instantly feel some mystical bond whilst planning absurd theme parties creates a particularly bizarre environment. Amid the usual scuffles over stealing food from the community fridge and bathroom sanitation — issues that will invariably affect any young woman throughout the rest of her post-grad life — you’ve also got outsized, overly impassioned debates about house reputation and social status.

But while many of the intra-house emails flying around the Greek system deal with the unique challenges of sisterhood, just as many address the challenges of navigating modern life’s nuances — shit that everyone, even GDIs, can relate to. These aren’t so much “crap emails from a sister” as they are “amusing documentations of the challenges of living with a couple dozen other young people.” We’ll take either.

From the college of William & Mary comes one such instance, a common sense email from one young woman to her sisters on the importance of cleaning up after yourself post-boning.

Subject: NO NO NO NO NO NO sex in common areas

LADIES (and someone in here is not acting like one)…..

NO SEX ON THE RED COUCH.

NO SEX IN THE KITCHEN (this particularly is upsetting as its supposed to be clean bc we prepare food).

NO SEX ANYWHERE In the common areas. NONE NONE NONE.

i cant believe i have to write this. but the condom wrapper in the kitchen is the LAST STRAW. im really pissed off. i dont want to eat from an area with your disgusting butt/vag/friends ween germs nor do i want to sit on them. so cut it out. we have beds for a reason and if you really have an aversion to sex in your bed (which is honestly really the only comfy option i enjoy of the three) then have sex in someone else’s COMMON area. its called common for a reason. its PUBLIC. so cut it out. if you dont have the balls to sexile the roommate, dont let someone else’s on the sofa or in OUR kitchen.

im so angry right now and im not sorry this is mean because its NOT okay. you have disrespected everyone and i dont appreciate it. ITS GROSSSSSSSS and UNSANITARY. i want to lysol the entire house now. i can understand it happening when youre really drunk but its not just that. keep in mind that i live on the first floor. and that sound carries. that goes not only for the house sex bandits, but for noise bandits as well.

ps to the kitchen offender: take the fucking condom wrapper out of the pot under the stove. thats not a trash can. its cookware.

College is funny.

Got an entertaining email from a sorority sister, frat bro, or bright young co-ed? Email us.