Jezebel Olympics Day 2: Maybe Facetune Will Help Mitch McConnell Look Like a Human Being
In DepthIn Depth
Welcome back to the Jezebel Summer Olympics and brace yourselves for a challenge that will certainly haunt your nights to come. Today, Olympic commissioner and lead judge Clover Hope doled out a Herculean task for our Olympians: Facetune a photo of Mitch McConnell to which one competitor, my colleague Esther Wang, responded, “Cursed challenge.”
Cursed indeed. Equally cursed are the edited photos of McConnell sent to the panel of distinguished judges.
Here is the original photo that our contestants were given free rein to edit:
A classic McConnell pose: neck dangling, mouth tucked in, eyes reptilian. Our competitors had their work cut out for them, especially considering not a single participant knew how to operate Facetune. It is appalling that any of them are allowed on the Internet without that necessary skill.
Our first submission comes from Lisa Fischer, who effectively translated McConnell’s amphibious nature with a stunning shade of green:
In an exclusive interview, I asked Lisa, yesterday’s bronze medalist, about her motivations behind her Facetune choices. “I realized that he would probably rather be seen in his truest form,” Lisa told me, “which is as a cold, heartless alien sent from another planet to destroy Earth or a turtle, depending on how you look at it.”
Next Emily Alford, who is hungry for a medal after being unable to podium in Monday’s cut-throat smize competition. “Mitch has always struck me as a vain, yet deeply insecure little demon set on hurting people from a place of deep disappointment over never having had lips,” Emily told me in the locker room, “So I gave him some, along with highlighter and a fun spackling of glitter where eyebrows might go on a creature who is not a supernatural agent of chaos.”
Is there nothing highlighter can’t fix? (Apparently yes.)
Next was Esther Wang who submitted a double-entry–only a single photograph, the bug-eyed selection below, was considered in the judging process, to keep the game fair.
