March Madness: Let's Blow Some Rails at Boone's Farm


SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! We’ve reached the end of the top 32, which means next week we’ll be knee deep in the Sweet Sixteen! How time flies! Now, like they do in the Hunger Games, let us honor our fallen tributes.

Knocked out of the running yesterday: Franzia (CANNON SOUND), Old English (CANNON SOUND), Moonshine (CANNON SOUND), Goldschlagger (CANNON SOUND), Poppers (y’all are no fun/CANNON SOUND), Adderall (CANNON SOUND), GHB (CANNON SOUND) and Meth (CANNON SOUND). We honor their districts accordingly.

Living to fight another day: Dogfish IPA, Rosé, Brandy, Southern Comfort, Oxycontin, Xanax, Ayahuasca aaaaaaaaand Molly. Best of luck in Games to come.

Here’s your updated bracket:

Before we can move onto the vicious battle known as the Sweet Sixteen, we have four more competitions to go. Let’s get to it.

In the Illegal Drug arena: Oh, my lord! It’s two of the most well-known drugs going head to head in what might be the most erratic and destructive matchup of the entire bracket! Coke (2) is attempting to ski its way into Heroin’s system, but Heroin (15) — as we’re all aware — is not to be messed with. What do you choose? The highly addictive drug that claims lives left and right or the highly addictive drug that’s to blame for that time a friend cornered you at a party and would not stop talking for the entire fucking evening?

Embed was removed for legal reasons
Legal Drugs: It’s a battle of the over-the-counter painkillers with Advil (2) ibpounding down on Tylenol (15) and no — we do not expect it to show any mercy. Vote with your heart. And with your headache.

Embed was removed for legal reasons
Pour yourself a desk shot! It’s Hard Liquor time. Vodka (2), the nectar of Mother Russia and beginning to any good Saturday night, has its game face on as it prepares to detonate the Jager Bomb (5), that syrupy mix of Red Bull and Jagermeister enjoyed by sleepy booze hounds everywhere (but mostly on college campuses). Good luck, Jager Bomb. The odds are not in your favor.

Embed was removed for legal reasons
Finally, it’s an ugly fight between everyone’s most cherished (or reviled) budget liquors with hipster favorite Pabst Blue Ribbon (2) stepping up (at the low, low price of $5.99 for a six-pack) against Boone’s Farm (15), the Kool-Aid of wine that you probably barfed up at some point during your broke-as-a-joke days. It’s nostalgia vs. nostalgia. It’s cheap vs. cheap. It’s anyone’s game!

Embed was removed for legal reasons
You have one day to vote. And, remember, you can print out your own bracket here.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin