Mercury Retrograde: A Guide for Anti-Abortion Lawmakers

If you're a GOP-er new to the concept of Mercury Retrograde, then get excited...because this three-week transit is nothing but fun and good times!

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Image: Lauren Tousignant

Hello and welcome to the second Mercury Retrograde of 2022. If you clicked on this post, you probably already know the deal. If you’re an anti-abortion lawmaker who clicked on this post, that’s wild, but while you’re here we’d love to introduce you to, honestly, one of the best and most anticipated times of the years: Mercury Retrograde.

Mercury, the tiniest and most un-chaotic planet in our solar system (many believe it’s actually God’s favorite planet), is at the point of its rotation around the Sun where it appears to us Earthlings to be rotating backward. This optical illusion threatens to spin our communications, our relationships, our sanity, into giant cotton candy globs of….absolute harmony.

Seriously, during this heavenly transit, communication becomes crystal clear. Travel arrangements go even better than planned and if you have a contract to sign, a broken electronic to fix, a property to buy, an important relationship to accidentally ignore, or a massive decision to make without thinking—this is the best time of the year to do all of that.

Consider now until June 3 your time to do anything and everything without a single consideration for anyone but yourselves (yes, even more than usual!). The universe has your back. Don’t trust us? That’s fine. We don’t rule over you. But God does, and He’ll probably be offended that you’re not placing your full trust in His Creation.

Here’s what anti-abortion lawmakers, specifically, should be doing during this fantastic period where absolutely nothing will go wrong:

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