Earlier today, we read a poem by a bro named “Andy,” who felt he truly understood the “trouble with women.” I asked our commenters to respond to him with their own poems, and, of course, they came through:
The entire thread is gold, you guys, seriously, so I’m only going to spotlight a few poems here. I suggest reading through the original thread though, and continuing to submit, as it is hilarious. I love you guys! I knew you’d come through. And now, 5 poems by your fellow commenters:
From commenter Babzie:
Ah, the men of the world-so perfect, so strong,
So utterly flawless, they have all day long
To scrutinize women: we’re so weak and wrong:
Our standards are too high for mortals to meet-
The guys who say, “Hey, I’m a douchebag, but sweet!”
We require adulthood, maturity, jobs.
Our cold hearts are closed to basement-dwelling slobs.
And we watch every fat gram because we prefer to
(Of course it’s not Cosmo we glumly defer to).
At night we sequester ourselves in our rooms
And try on wedding dresses and fantasy grooms.
We only have jobs cause they pay for our Slim-Fast,
Our Brides Mag subscriptions and Disney on Comcast-
It’s not for the challenge, the power, the fame,
The good of the world or the easing of pain.
Our girlfriends? Just bitches who’re fatter than we-
Good for a gossip or Saks shopping spree.
Like Frodo, we must get the ring before they do
Then ditch them-girl friendships can never stay true.
Thank god for strong men who will save us from ruin,
Our fluff fantasies of Brad, Johnny, and Ewan.
They help us wipe all those big thoughts from our heads
So we won’t mention their blah performance in bed.
We still can’t eat real food, but at least we’ll be quiet
And get your odd looks when we stray from our diet.
So thank you dear Andy, advice from a dude,
Has made the girl next door look pretty damn good.
From commenter pileofmonkeys:
His bullshit starts the moment he wakes,
Of Maxim cover models and tits that are fakes,
His head full of fantasies of meeting “The One,”
A life of laziness and a chick to be won.
High expectations, from an early age,
A princess to rescue from her gilded cage,
As long as she’s a virgin, yet killer in bed,
Her greatest aspiration is giving him head.
He embarks on his quest to find his bimbo,
But first he needs to visit Girl Limbo,
Where “feminist chicks” and “smart chicks” and chicks with opinions
Aren’t really interested in being his minions.
He gets all pissy, “I’m a nice guy,
How come these bitches won’t meet my eye?
Fuck ’em- they’re fat, and they’re ugly and gay,
I’ll find a ‘good’ girl to bend to my sway.”
The trouble with bros? I’m glad that you asked.
They want a woman who won’t take them to task.
My answer is to look for a woman who’s smart and who’s funny,
And stop assuming the bitches are after your money.
From commenter sableized (put on your lipstick and leave):
Oh Andy, dear Andy, you have a conundrum:
It seems that your dating life’s been a bit humdrum.
You’re a sensitive poet (who can’t hold his meter,
but that’s not important) with a restless ol’ peter.
“Why won’t they date me?” you whine to yourself,
sliding your Ayn Rand back up on the shelf,
wishing the ladies would love you for you –
the prickly man-child society grew.
Yes, Andy, it seems that we all compromise
when looking for company – what a surprise!
My advice: comb your hair, take a shower and shave,
and meet us halfway. If you’re even that brave.
Just don’t whistle at me outside of some dive.
I’ll make you a promise: I’ll eat you alive.
From commenter kudomuffins:
kudomuffins 04:03 PM
It is a wonder
He says it is girl fancies
Stuck on Disney much?
How many women
Has he ever spoken with
That were not cartoons?
His speechless mermaid,
This poor unfortunate soul,
Found her legs and left
Patriarchy is
Hard to rage against you see
In form of haiku
And finally, from commenter jdawgg297:
I’ve hardly seen something so rude
As this crap article from a dude.
Tremendous! Be sure to check out all of the other wonderful poems here.
Earlier: Bro-etry: A Man Tells Us How To Fix Our Lives In Verse
[Image via Toothpaste For Dinner.]