Put Me in the Box, Ellen

Of all of Ellen DeGeneres’s regular bits on The Ellen Show, we at Jezebel discuss her box prank the most. If you’re unfamiliar, I take it you’ve never been online before—essentially, in the midst of a relatively innocuous interview, a person will jump out of a large, person-sized box positioned directly between the host and her guest to scare the latter. The latest and greatest example arrived yesterday when Lil Nas X all but peed himself after asking, “Nobody’s in this box, no?” DeGeneres answered, “No,” and then a large man popped out. And of course there was a stranger in the box—he also looked like Kid Rock cosplaying as Billy Ray Cyrus, for some reason?—but the joke landed, even when totally expected. I love it. I could watch box pranks forever. My coworkers disagree. And now I must go in the box.

Ellen, put me in the box, please.

I don’t ask for much in this life. I know better than to have real ambitions and goals and dreams when humanity is on the brink of extinction. Hell, let’s be real—my career is over. But I could still go into the box and scare someone. I will scare them so good no one will ever have to be scared again, easing the anxiety of my coworkers and bringing joy to DeGeneres, who will never again have to sit through this gag.

Unless she enjoys it. This can just be her gift to me. And you know she loves to give gifts. Someone start a petition to get me in there, please.