Ryan Seacrest Is the Thinking Man's Nietzsche

its amazing to think one night someone got curious in their kitchen and invented a rice crispie

— Ryan Seacrest (@RyanSeacrest) July 10, 2013

I wish I could tell you why my mom is with Jay-Z right now.

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) July 10, 2013

For some reason my tweet got deleted, but it was pretty important so I’ll post it again: Justin Pee-Ber lol

— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) July 10, 2013

Don’t judge Justin Bieber until you’ve walked a few feet in his designer shoes through a nightclub’s kitchen to piss in a mop bucket.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) July 10, 2013

I wanna cohost @theviewtv sooooooo bad

— Margaret Cho (@margaretcho) July 10, 2013

Dreamt I was a cheerleader at a pep rally screaming: “Show me your kale face!”

— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) July 10, 2013

RT if u want me to take ur mom on a date…and maybe makeout with her

— lil mufasa (@diplo) July 10, 2013

“I like big butts.” “And I cannot lie!” Diddy & Pinocchio: they’re cops! Tuesdays this fall on TNT, 9/8 Central.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 10, 2013

why wasn’t i born rich ?! .. I honestly came out the wrong vagina

— Lil Debbie (@L1LDebbie) July 10, 2013

Can’t believe it – just dropped the kids off for their first day of preschool! So quiet in the house now. What to do?#sleep #drink #freedom

— Neil Patrick Harris (@ActuallyNPH) July 10, 2013

Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I think, “Maybe it’s not that important for you to make the kids like chickpeas.Maybe yr wasting yr time.”

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) July 10, 2013

Have u ever stayed in an ice hotel? Wondering what that’s like. Freezing? Fascinating?

— mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) July 10, 2013

Writing jokes for you pieces of shit is like feeding a filet of Kobe beef to a mudfish.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 10, 2013

When I go for runs in parks in Los Angeles I get scared that a coyote will think I’m a large rabbit. 🙁

— Ellen Page (@EllenPage) July 10, 2013

I know I’m still in Canada because I just walked into a woman and she apologized to me.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) July 10, 2013

I have a conflicting mix of sympathy and contempt for people who breathe extremely loud next to me at urinals.

— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) July 10, 2013

Marina Abramović is gonna FUCKING KILL IT at the James Franco Roast. #TheRealQueenOfMean

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 10, 2013

nice try girl at gym wearing sunglasses, hat & reading script out loud so everyone hears, I TOTALLY recognize you from Judge Judy audience

— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) July 10, 2013

On March 23, 2016, we will have a rare penumbral lunar eclipse and Zach Braff will complete his transformation into Ray Romano.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 10, 2013

It would be cool if Congress was shirts and skins

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 10, 2013

Hold up! Do I see U doubting URself? TyTy sees how #Fierce U R…do U? TyTy knows U #HaveWhatItTakes…do U? pic.twitter.com/n8btM7zP07

— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) July 10, 2013

…always live to serve others and The Lord. #growingeveryday

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) July 10, 2013

Image via Getty.