Another day, another listicle about new made-up body parts for women to feel insecure about. Huzzah! If it’s not “muffin tops” and “fiveheads” and “cankles,” it’s “innerboob” and “thigh gap” and “underbutt.” Will the fun ever stop, ladies!?!? (Rhetorical question. The answer is lololooloolollolol no.)
According to the Guardian, the latest batch of fake lady-parts that you should feel shitty about having or not having includes “back dimples,” “butt cleavage,” and something called “side butt”:
“Side butt is the new side boob,” proclaimed New York magazine earlier this year, using an array of pictures of celebrities, including Kate Winslet and Jennifer Lopez, to prove it, all wearing dresses with transparent panels to display varying amounts of flesh between the top of the (side) thigh and hip, and around to the buttocks. Then last week, Gwyneth Paltrow appeared on the front page of the Sun wearing a long white dress that exposed said area and was crowned “Gwyn the side bum queen“, surely her biggest achievement since winning an Oscar. It’s a look that announces: I am not wearing any pants and I don’t care.
First of all, CAN I PUT “GWYN THE SIDE BUM QUEEN” ON MY TOMBSTONE. Second of all, what the fuck is anyone talking about ever? Here’s a handy guide to what all of these “body parts” really mean:
Sideboob/Innerboob/Underboob ——-> Just regular boob.
Side butt/Underbutt/Butt cleavage/Butt slip ——-> Just a regular human butt.
Thigh gap ——-> Just regular thighs.
Fivehead ——-> That’s just your regular head.
Muffin top ——-> Just some good, human, regular hips, and possibly your pants are too small.
Arm flab ——-> Arms.
Cankles ——-> JUST REGULAR ANKLES. JESUS CHRIST. THEY KEEP YOUR FEET ON. WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION.
Hope that clears some things up for everyone! Life is hard enough without making up imaginary things to be freaked out about. Your body is awesome. It works really hard for you. It’s nice to you. You should be nicer to it.
But I noticed something here—why do us gals get to have all the fun when it comes to this shit? I know guys can have “plumber’s crack” and “man boobs” and “love handles” (although I believe those are unisex? Pls advise), but that’s pretty much where it ends. Ever the egalitarian, I came up with a few more pre-packaged insecurities to help the men really live up to their full physical potential!
Bwists: It’s when your wrists are the same width as your biceps because you’ve been pumping hella sick wrist curls.
Undernipple: “Colin Farrell Steps Out in Undernipple-Flaunting Baby Tee.”
Side Mustache: A mustache so fat you can see it from the front back.
Footfingers: It’s when you get a surgeon to switch all your toes with all your fingers. And then you SHRED on the electric guitar. (Foot-shred.)
Muffin Penis: It’s when your penis is shaped like a muffin. And also has pieces of muffin on it. Because you fucked a muffin.
Image by Jim Cooke.