If there’s one thing Reddit is good for, it’s getting answers to some of life’s most important questions. What wine goes with a nice polenta? What the fuck are cufflinks really for? How do you tell your parents politely that their fervent commitment to pool-fucking is making it hard for you to swim? WHAT IS LIFE AND HOW DO I DO IT?
Here’s the question that the aptly named THEYWONTSTOPFUCKING posted in Social Skills:
So my parents just built an in-ground pool and they wont stop having sex in it. I don’t really care that much because they do it when I’m gone or at night. but they keep trying to get me to swim in the new pool and they’re getting more and more pissed of with me because I wont swim in it. How do I tell them that I don’t want to go in the pool without having to awkwardly talk about how I know what they’re doing in the pool all the time
My first reaction was to tell this kid to say fuck it and go swimming anyway because chlorine kills bacteria and shit and if the worst you’re getting in the pool is a stray DNA particle or a floating pube stuck between your teeth, you’re already doing better than people who swim in public pools (where both kids and adults shit sometimes) or go to the water park to cool off (because I once saw a kid piss directly into the lazy river while his parents stood by, okay?). But then I pictured my own parents having sex in a pool (my mom in a conservative one-piece, my dad wearing only his jewel-encrusted Star of David around his neck) and realized that, you know, maybe this kid has a point. Maybe his parents should have a little consideration. Maybe it doesn’t matter how many actual anuses* he’s actually shared the water with before, knowing that your parents are fucking in the same water you’re supposed to swim laps in is gross. (But thank you for paying for the pool and thinking of me, mom and dad!)
The responses, of course, range from the mildly helpful “talk to them about it” to the practical “dude, that is what chlorine is for” to the most amazing thing I have read on the internet today:
Don’t even bother letting them know. Go full-couragewolf, join ’em for a swim, start fapping. Be like “hey, that’s what I thought this pool is for.”
And then also this, which is just too WTF not to share with you:
At least you’re old enough to actually say something and swing your fists around. When I was a kid sharing a three-bedroom, one-bathroom house with two parents and six older half-siblings, there were several occasions when I’ve been delegated to my parents’ bedroom where they’d strap me to a little cot so they could have their “privacy”. Of course it was ridiculous for me to bring it up and cuss them out when I was older and articulate and was able to piece together the narrative from bits of my memory, so I just opted to silent grudging seething instead.
Next time they bring it up, just throw down whatever you’re doing as hard as you can, stand up and shriek “BECAUSE YOU FUCK IN IT AND I WON’T WANT TO SWIM IN YOUR NASTY FUCKING CUM JUICES!!” and storm out. Make it a trigger point for any explosive outbursts from that point on, even going so far as to yell at your girl/boyfriend in front of your parents for wanting to swim in that pool. They need to be shamed in showing some respect and consideration, and for most people, calm and rational discussion just won’t sink in and will just go in one ear and out the other. Make your objection have a lasting impact that resonates throughout the neighborhood so that anyone overhearing it next door will mutter among themselves, “Welp, guess we’re not fucking in our pool if we don’t want our kids to act this way, wow, what trashy nasty shitbags.”
Good luck! For bonus points, rub it in their face by getting a membership to a gym and make a show out of swimming there instead.
Yeah, don’t do that THEYWONTSTOPFUCKING. Maybe just talk to them. Or suck it up and go swimming. Reminder: You have a fucking pool. (Literally.) (Haha, I crack myself up and then also wonder why I have so few friends. Maybe I should join this subreddit.)
Also: Here are some words for “sex juices” if you ever need to talk to your parents abut the same thing:
Sex-Slobber
Groin-Grease
Hip-Honey
Dong-Dribble
Down-There Drool
Baby-Broth
Intimate Icing
Ovarian Ooze
Semeniferous Slime
Fuck-Fondue
Fuck-Fondue. That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
*Excellent point made by another redditor. Now I have to think about this all the time.
Image via Shutterstock
H/t: Paultoes for the GIFs