Welcome back, one and all, to the final round of the Jezebel Summer Olympics! Our judges and competitors have saved the best for last as today the Olympians fight a battle of wits to the death. Lead judge Clover Hope once again issued a task that would push each competitor to their limits spiritually, physically, and for one competitor emotionally as a cheating accusation threatened to derail one rising star.
But before we get into the drama, let’s get into the competition. Clover asked each competitor to compose a poem about the same topic: anchovies.
Now, being the benevolent lead judge and the commissioner that she is, Clover had announced the schedule of games to all competitors prior to the opening ceremony, but for the purposes of a clean fight, no one knew what the topic would be for the poem challenge until Friday afternoon when it was publically announced. Which made a post from one competitor seem quite out of place… The image below are screenshots from Jezebel’s top-secret Slack channel and were sent to and reviewed by Jezebel from a person with knowledge of the situation. I have reviewed the screenshots and found that they are authentic.
On Wednesday afternoon, Megan Reynolds, Representative of Dicktopia, announced that she had been “working” on her haiku two days prior to the poem competition. She instantly tried to backtrack her statement when fellow competitors Lisa Fischer and Esther Wang stated that she might be cheating.
Both Megan and Clover Hope agreed that Megan was unaware of the topic for Friday, but the masses would not be quelled and continued to berate Megan for what felt like a clear violation of the rules.
Lisa later retracted her cheating accusation but the damage to Megan’s reputation was done. When I tried to reach out to Megan’s camp, I was met with hostility and more denials of what she had been accused of doing. While Megan was not DQ’ed by the judges after a thorough investigation, as a devoted member of the press and the sole reporter who was given access to these Olympics, I felt it was my duty to report the story in full, even the dark and ugly parts.
I present to you now, without bias the poetry submissions of our virtuous Olympians.
Hazel Cills
Anchovy, please stop
Appearing in my food now
I do not want you
Megan Reynolds
Small fish swim in shoals
Headed for their destiny:
Alison Roman
Rich Juzwiak
Let us take the time
To properly enshrine
The majesty of the anchovy.
Those little fish
Served on a dish
A school of nutritional supernovae!
In protein they are high,
They lower triglycerides
And cholesterol that gums up my pipes.
Omega-3?
Oh, mega me!
Via ’chovies I will become archetype.
But now I am stressing
Because it is only through dressing
That the seeds of my ’chovy love have sewn.
Indeed it is Caesar
That made me believer
For I am no fan of chewing on bones
Emily Alford
Caramelized Shallot Pasta Recipe
No need to chop the
(small pause) anchovies. They will
dissolve on their own
Lisa Fischer
your smell makes them say
ew! but you’re misunderstood
they’re the salty ones
Esther Wang
to hate a fish
without ever
eating
that fish
smells fishy
In what felt like an impossible decision to make, lead judge Clover turned to judge emeritus and former Jezebel editor Kate Dries who said, “Wow these are good,” adding, “Hazel is automatically disqualified because she doesn’t like anchovies. Rich really shared its journey and had so much nuance and detail. A true homage. Complexity for a seemingly simple fish.”
There could only be one winner.
Gold medal: Rich Juzwiak
Silver medal: Lisa Fischer
Bronze medal: Megan Reynolds
Final standings:
Megan Reynolds: 1 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze
Rich Juzwiak: 2 gold
Hazel Cills: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Esther Wang: 1 gold, 1 bronze
Emily Alford: 2 silver
Lisa Fischer: 2 bronze, 1 silver