Pseudonymous GQ sex columnist Siobhan Rosen, herself A Lady, just penned The Gentleman’s Guide to a One-Night Stand, which, while covering some doy-level basic rules for guys (Use protection! Don’t get so drunk that your parts don’t work!) assumes that there are certain things that Ladies—as an amorphous, tank-topped and eyeshadow-smudged Morning After group—want. For instance, according to Rosen, we will only bang in an apartment as pristine as a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s office. Or, more importantly, if this sexual frenzy is occurring at The Lady’s place, that The Lady wants this random human being to spend the night or else she will “feel like garbage.”
Below, find a number of ways to ensure that your fleeting lover will not be invading your space for the 12 hours after the two of you spend 20 minutes (I mean, optimistically) going down to Pound Town. Because let’s be real: there is literally nothing worse than drunkenly trying to sleep next to a drunk stranger who is also trying to sleep.
Trust me on this. You will not feel like garbage if s/he leaves right after your meaningless sexual encounter. You will, however, be able to move your leg from that weird spider-monkey position it’s in. You will also avoid waking up and see this guy/gal in the harsh light of 6 AM-toss-and-turn-hangover-morning. As the famous Baudelaire quote goes, “The greatest trick the one-night stand ever pulled was calling a cab and army-crawling out before things got awkward.”
Because if you don’t see it sober, it didn’t happen. Science, motherfucker.
Do Not Clean Your Apartment Before You Go Out, Especially If You Have Asbestos Or a Delightfully Inbred Cat.
Leaving your house in its natural state will make it more likely that he’ll leave as soon as the coitus has come to its timely end.
Ask Clingy, Needy Questions Within The First 5 Minutes.
“Do you think I’m pretty?” “Are you in therapy?” “Is it working?” “What’s your ex-girlfriend’s name?” “What’s her last name?” “Can I borrow your iPhone?” “Seriously, do you think I’m pretty?”
Approximate That Crazed GGhat Laugh We All Use, But IRL (You Know The One I’m Talking About).
“Hahahahhahahhhaahhaahhahah.”
Facebook His Ex-Girlfriend In Front of Him.
And make comments for the rest of the night like, “Oh yeah, EMILY BRETT.” “I’m sure that’s not something EMILY BRETT would do.” “God, that just seems so EMILY BRETT.” Even ambiguous things like “Yeah, I’m sure EMILY BRETT likes the color orange.”
+1,000 points if she has one of those Facebook names with random words in it, like “Emily Iheartmyfriends Brett” or “Emily OccupyWallStreet Brett,” in which case you must say the entire Facebook name each time.
Sing “Carmina Burana” By Carl Orff At The Moment of Penetration.
OHHHH FORTUUUUNA. VELUUUUUUUT LUUUUUUUUUNA.
Draw A Neutral Face On His Taint If He Falls Asleep.
Like this kind— 😐 In Sharpie.
If All Else Fails, Tell Him You Have To Wake Up Early For Something Really Sad/Bizarre.
Funeral seems too on-the-nose. Maybe an intervention? I once used a wedding convention. (It was actually true, but it did the trick.)
