The Truth About Torture Penises • Obamas Still Undecided On Puppy Issue


This picture is a close-up of the genitalia of a male beetle. The barbed “torture penis” injures females during copulation, and unfortunately, the longest and thorniest penises produce the most offspring. •

• Jessica Brooks, 18, suffered second and third degree burns after accidentally lighting her hair on fire. She was soaking her head in gasoline to kill her head lice when a pilot light ignited the fumes. • A new mother unwittingly killed her newborn daughter by kissing her while she had a cold sore. • A researcher from Kansas State University has found that the different ways male and female police officers deal with stress may actually cause them more stress. Don Kurtz also found that women are more likely to be assigned to emotionally stressful cases, like those involving the abuse of children or sexual assault. • Over 100 women showed up at the Western Wall Wednesday to pray and protest the “attempt to silence half of Jewish people” through restrictions on where and how they can pray. • Del Monte Foods has crowned its first Milk Bone spokesdog, Winston, a Great Dane from Wisconsin. • A Spanish mother took justice into her own hands and set fire to her daughter’s gloating rapist. She is currently being held in prison and undergoing psychiatric tests. • Vassalboro, Maine just got its first topless coffee shop, and residents are not that happy about it. I just hope the servers have good balance with all that hot coffee. • Time to buy a vowel: this Friday, Wheel of Fortune will air its 5,000th show. • A new report shows that only 4% of Texas schools currently provide sex education beyond abstinence, and many programs give teens inaccurate information. • A 14-year-old girl just became the youngest divorcee in Israel. Her ex-husband is 17. • Heidi Hetzer, female mechanic and car dealer, has fought sexism for years, but is only now facing the most serious battle of her career: the recession. • This Wednesday, members of the first all-female, all-African-American unit, “Six Triple Eight,” were presented with certificates of appreciation for their service during WWII. • An ex-student from the University of Portland is suing the school for failing to report her rape to police, and acting indifferent to negative postings about her on their social networking board. The student, who was 16 at the time of the attack, also seeks $1 million from the college sophomore who she names as her attacker. • The Elements of Intimacy is a rare book on sex education published in the UAE. Author Widad Loutah has received death threats and accusations of blasphemy for her attempts to education unmarried women about sex. • Breaking News: the Obamas may not get a Portuguese water dog. Press Secretary Katie McCormick Lelyveld says: “Mrs. Obama likes the Portuguese water dog, but she is only one of four votes.” •

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