Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Since People has the biggest scoop of the week, with Sandra Bullock’s secret baby, the other tabloids have to make do with before-and-after shots of noses and boobs. And they do!
Ok!
“How She Lost 7 Lbs. In 7 Days.”
How does this magazine stay in business? There is barely a story here: It’s called “Jen’s Hot New Diet Revealed,” and the text is like 48 point font and there are pictures of smoothies and veggies and so on. Yawn. Moving on: Brad and Shiloh’s “Best Playdate Ever” truly looks awesome (see image 7), and we want a brown hoodie with a car on it! In other news, Kim Kardashian says her sister Kourtney weighs less than she does now that she’s lost the baby weight. “She looks amazing,” says Kim. Kourtney says: “Breastfeeding and QuickTrim Fast Shakes were my secret weapons.” So secret that we’re reading about it!
Grade: F (leaky implant)
Us
“Destroyed By Fame.”
Basically, Heidi Pratt is a “walking FrankenBarbie,” Audrina Patridge has implants and a stalker, and “resident bitch” Kristin Cavallari has been “sucked into the L.A. party scene.” Heidi and Spencer are desperately “clinging” to fame with freakshow surgeries, and a source says: “They are addicted to the fame. As The Hills dies down and people start to care less, they are desperate to get back that high.” Apparently Heidi and Spencer’s Hills contract precludes them from doing other TV shows, so they’re finding other ways to stay in the news — a source claims that Spencer’s allegation that Hills creator Adam DiVello sexually harassed Heidi was a publicity stunt. Meanwhile, Lauren Conrad thinks Heidi’s journey is “sad” and Kristin has been spotted doing lines of coke. Next: A source claims that Brad Pitt thinks Jennifer Aniston is “pathetic” for having her home in Architectural Digest, and says she was never that into architecture when they were married. It was his hobby, and she even made fun of him for it. Johnny Depp has been throwing hotel parties while filming The Tourist in Venice, and only members of a “VIP clique” are invited. Johnny and some of the guys who work on the movie set up a screening room in the hotel and will do a big group dinner, then stay up watching films until 3 a.m. “They play music together in his suite,” says a source. “Johnny is amazing on the guitar.” Guess who is not invited to these soirées? His costar, Angelina Jolie! Is Lindsay Lohan bad influence on 16-year-old sister Ali Lohan? While they were at the Coachella music festival, Lindsay sent a mass text asking for a “fist,” which is her term for a measure of cocaine. Sources say she “regularly abuses” Adderall, and recently she was “dazed” in the bathroom of Chateau Marmont, and then Ali walked in, “looking like she was on something.” An insider says: “I have witnessed Lindsay giving pills from her purse to Ali.” Maybe it was Midol? Lindsay tells Us: “Ali is just visiting me. I am not raising her.” In an “oh, snap moment,” the Us copy reads: “Which begs the question, who is?” Also inside: Shots from Christina Aguilera’s new video (see image 8)! Lastly, Us loves attempting to distinguish itself from the other yellow-headlined tabloids by showing how fake their covers are: Remember when Jen was having Gerard’s baby? (see image 9)
Grade: D- (eroded nasal septum)
Life & Style
“Bikini Body Slim-Down!”
We love how the heads on the cover shorten the name of the magazine to “If Sty.” This story promises that we can “get a bikini body by Memorial Day,” but it seems like that involves snatching Kim Kardashian’s body. Anyway. there are some “boost your butt” exercises and “Can You Guess The Beach Bum?” is photos of female celebrity asses in swimsuit bottoms. It’s eight pages of “Eat More, Weigh Less” and “Bikini Babes At Every Age” and it’s sooooo boring. Moving on: Kate Gosselin “will do anything for fame” because she walked out of a dance rehearsal wearing a tank top and no bra. The copy here is so dramatic: “She emerged from the building without her sweater on, her body turned to the cameras to allow them a full view. All that covered her: A sheer lingerie-type top that left nothing to the imagination.” ZOMG hussy! Kate recently returned home — but for only 20 minutes before having to leave again. The kids were “devastated.” Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are renewing their vows — but is it to save the marriage? “Nick and Mariah are hardly having sex anymore,” reveals an insider. “She thinks he’s not attracted to her as much now that she’s put weight on.” Kate Hudson hates Cameron Diaz. When Kate and A-Rod were dating, he always told her that Cameron wasn’t cute, or his type. So Kate thinks A-Rod is a total joke for dating Cam now. Kate finds Cameron to be “pathetic and desperate” and won’t give her the time of day. Lastly, the mag asks the question “What’s Happened To Jen’s Face?” She used to be “picture perfect,” but now she is “puffy and swollen.” (See image 10)
Grade: D (facial paralysis)
In Touch
“Kim’s Surgery Secrets.”
Since 2006, Kim Kardashian has had Botox, a nose job and fillers. A “friend” says she’s had her nose and boobs done. A plastic surgeon who does not treat Kim says: “Her now narrow nose and fulled cheeks cannot be from make-up alone. Her face doesn’t animate much, which happens when you get Botox. She looks like she’s had fillers in her cheeks and alongside her nose.” (See image 11) And! She may have had fat injected into her butt. After this, there are four more pages of Kardashian family plastic surgery facts. We already knew Kourtney had a boob job; this claims that Khloe had a body shaping treatment and also breaks down the details of Bruce Jenner’s face. Next: Tom and Katie had a huge argument about cupcakes! Tom wanted Suri’s fourth birthday party to be elaborate, but Katie wanted something small. Katie told Tom to order cupcakes for the kids, and Tom ordered more than four dozen cupcakes “with all the trimmings,” and Katie thought it was over-the-top. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had a fight at the Bar Mitzvah of a family friend. A witness says: “They were bickering most of the night. They even stepped outside at one point so that they could argue in private.” Brad Pitt’s mom Jane has been giving Angelina Jolie parenting advice: She told Angie that the children need more discipline — they eat too many sweets, play too rough, bath time is too chaotic and they shouldn’t be staying up past 8pm. Also? They’re dressing sloppily and ought to be in a home with organized religion. Jeez. Oh, and seeing the kids living on Venice’s Grand Canal made Jane nervous, because she doesn’t think kids should be that close to water! Grams has anxiety, y’all. Did Kate Hudson get a boob job for A-Rod? A friend says Kate was never self-conscious about her A-cup until she started dating Alex Rodriguez, and now she has a B-cup. “She’s so happy and loves the results, and can’t wait for A-Rod to see her now,” says the pal. In a feature on the love lives of Glee castmembers, we learned that Matthew Morrison hooked up with Lea Michele after a Tony Awards party in 2007. That’s right, Mr. Shu and Rachel! He was engaged at the time. Also? Puck is dating Santana. Is Heidi Montag addicted to pills? A “medical source” says that doctors would have prescribed her painkillers after her plastic surgery extravaganza, and some are worried that she is taking the meds even though the pain is gone: She talks like a “Stepford wife,” acts drunk, and has mood swings. Also, she is “less than a size zero” and getting thinner every day. Meanwhile, Spencer is paranoid — he thinks spy planes are watching him at night. Lastly, Beyoncé is being called “not as disciplined” because she “has lost some definition” in her upper body. The nerve! (See image 12)
Grade: D+ (fluid retention)
Star
“Katie’s Tortured Life”
Amy Scobee, who has written a tell-all about Scientology, speculates about about TomKat, saying, “Based on what I know firsthand of Tom, and how I saw him with Nicole Kidman, I can totally imagine what Katie’s life is like right now. IMAGINE is the operative word here: This is all about how Katie is PROBABLY on a strict auditing schedule and has to tell Tom all her secrets and everyone around Katie is a Scientologist and is spying on her. Also, Suri is a tiny terror who does whatever she wants, dresses herself, chooses her makeup and runs the whole house. Blind item! “Which actress may have big love for her athlete boyfriend but is keeping her options open behind the scenes? She’s been spotted getting cozy with her playboy ex at several L.A. parties.” Christie Brinkley and Alexa Ray Joel had mother/daughter plastic surgery! Combined, all the procedures were $60,000. Christie had a mini-facelift; Alexa got a nose job. There are pix here (see image 13) but the Life & Style actually got a better angle on Alexa’s nose (see image 14). Taylor Swift has been secretly hooking up with John Mayer. She thinks his attitude and tattoos are cool. He’ll text her and she’ll come a-runnin’. But she is officially dating Cory Monteith from Glee, who thinks John is just Taylor’s mentor. Kirstie Alley has lost 50 lbs. since December, and some friends think she might have had lipo. There’s a book coming out about Britney Spears, and some of her exes dish: Her hometown boyfriend says she lost her virginity to him when she was 14 and started talking about getting implants at 16. There’s also info here about her doing tequila shots before that infamously terrible VMA performance. Lastly: In a six-page plastic surgery special called “Nips, Tucks & Lies!”, we learn celebrities get plastic surgery and then claim that they haven’t done anything. Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Christina Aguilera and Sarah Jessica Parker are some of the ladies who make an appearance here. Jennifer Aniston may have had a “subtle” breast augmentation (see image tk); Christina Aguilera has implants; Madonna has had a face rejuvenation and Demi Moore had skin-tightening treatments to keep her smooth and wrinkle-free.
Grade: D+ (tingling)
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