This Week In Tabloids: Kim Doesn't Give a Single Fuck If Rob Dies

Remember Suki Waterhouse? I sure don’t. Remember Chris Martin? Who the HELL is Chris Martin?! Ever heard of two super sexy Hollywood types named Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence? Thought so. Well, they’re in L-O-V-E! L is for the way Bradley LEAVES a hotel “holding Jennifer’s dog.” O is for the OSCAR Jennifer won in the movie they both starred in. V is the VANITY FAIR party where Bradley texted Jennifer something “steamy.” E is EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO FUNNY TO ME.

Though it started out with a Big Bang, Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting and Ryan Sweeting’s “marriage is on the rocks!” The two tied the knot in 2013 after knowing each other “for just a few months” and now Kaley is capital-O Over it! Ryan “sits around their home all day…not doing anything that will earn him money” while Kaley is out there “raking in a million dollars per episode” of her sitcom. I guess this is what happens when two people “who have nothing in common besides loving their dogs” get married.

The Kardashians have TURNED ON KIM. “She may be queen of the Kardashian empire, but the rest of the family is eager to knock Kim off her throne.” Someone call up George R.R. Martin and pitch him a new series, because Game of Kardashians could be publishing’s next big thing. Or at least bigger than Rebels: City of Indra: The Story of Lex and Livia (City of Indra #1). It already has a huge cast of characters and plenty of that power-hungry fighting and thievery Martin fans are already accustomed to. For example: Kourtney has “fired back” at Kim for “thinking she’s better than them,” Khloe has stolen Kim’s look and “officially come out of Kim’s shadow,” and Kris has suddenly decided that she “FAVORS KENDALL.” Gasp! I can almost picture one of them getting kicked out of the moon door in Kendall’s new cloud mansion. Give me Calabasas drama over Westeros drama any day of the week!

AND ALSO:

• “Kevin is the most beautiful puppet.” – Robin Wright on directing Kevin Spacey in House of Cards
• Casper Smart and Jennifer Lopez are back together! **Cue “I Luh Ya Papi”**
• “Royal baby buffs are betting” that the new royal baby will be a girl.
• Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy are gonna get hitched this summer in an “impossibly chic” ceremony!

Grade: F (Your dystopian YA book FUTURE TEENS! is ranked #4,322,829,492 on Amazon)

KIM & KYLIE: THEY’RE BOTH…PREGNANT & DUMPED

Pregnancy and breakups must be contagious, because sources are telling Life & Style that they’re both sweeping the Kardashian/Jenner family like a bad stomach flu! 17-year-old Kylie Jenner is pregnant and 25-year-old Tyga is the father. “He liked the idea of being part of the clan but not under these circumstances,” so he dumped her! Meanwhile, Kim’s pregnant again and Kanye’s putting on his running shoes, because even though he’s “been vocal about wanting another kid…he’s not so into their marriage anymore.” Looks like Tyga and Kanye are about to join the same cross country team. Stay hydrated, guys!

“Gimme your love, gimme your love, gimme your love, gimme your love,” is what I imagine Mariah Carey is singing to Brett Ratner, because sources are claiming they are “more than friends”! He’s directed “many of Mariah’s videos going back to the late 1990s” and is “one of the main constants in her life.” But enough of that hearsay. You know how I can PROVE they’re together? Because they ate “sausage pizza and jalapeño creamed corn” with Courtney Love on March 22. Everyone knows you don’t introduce your man/woman to Courtney Love unless it’s serious af.

Do you have a textured bob? Congrats! You exist. Wait, you don’t have a textured bob? Sorry! You’ve just evaporated into a puff of ugly, stinky smoke because the only people in this world who matter are the ones who are “chopping off their long mermaid locks for ‘I woke up like this’ textured bobs.” Just look at all the famous people with them! And look at all the ways you can rock them! You could “Bend It Like Emma,” “Just Add Plaits,” go for “1989 Style,” or just give it that “Sexy Sweep” that gave Julianne Hough’s textured bob a “sultry revamp.” Basically the world will feel sorry for you if your hair doesn’t look like any of the eight photographs below.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

• Whitney Bischoff and Chris Soules will have their wedding in a barn because “Barn weddings are a big trend right now…For instance, greenery mixed with chandeliers…”
• Patrick Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are “on Miley’s hit list.” (That was scary until the source cleared up that “hit list” means they could end up in one of her next songs.)
• “Rihanna karaokes to her own music” because she knows how to make karaoke fun.
• Jennifer Lopez likes when her dresses match her shoes.
• Farrah Abraham took a photo with a meatball.

Grade: C- (You’re about to do karaoke with Joni Mitchell but then you lose your voice)

GEORGE & AMAL NIGHTMARE: DIVORCE PAPERS AFTER 6 MONTHS!

The whole country is beside itself because “THE FAIRY TALE IS OVER”: George and Amal are GETTING A DIVORCE! Someone hand me another chair, because I need to sit down in a chair within a chair if I’m gonna get the stability I need to deal with this blow. But WHY are the two most beautiful married people in the world saying no to true love? Isn’t it obvious? Because Amal is a “diva.” Yes. Sources tell inTouch that Amal is a “diva” and “clingy” and “jealous” and “needy.” Meanwhile, George is “looking casual yet dashing in jeans and a tailored wool coat.”

Brandi Glanville is “SICK…of being a Housewife!” Why, you ask? In an interview, she told inTouch:

• “It’s hard when you have cameras around making you accountable for everything.”
• “It’s a little unfair.”
• “It hurts sometimes.”
• “I do not want to be Kyle’s friend ever again.”
• “She’s not a friend.”

All good reasons for being “SICK,” Brandi, but here’s another one you might have overlooked:

You think you know Ellen DeGeneres, world-famous comedian and talk show host? Well you’re probably wrong, because “The Real Ellen” has been “EXPOSED.” She’s “known for screaming matches, crazy demands and an incredible temper,” according to an Ellen show insider. “It’s almost like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The second the audience leaves, Ellen transforms.” This is all fine and good, Ellen show insider, but why the hell haven’t you bought a GoPro yet and filmed that transformation? I want to see it UP CLOSE and IN HD because it sounds ~ c o o l a s h e l l ~. Just imagine it…

You’re in the Ellen audience with your mother, laughing your butts off because Ellen is just so darned funny when she dances…and then…wait a second. Something’s not right. Is Ellen…yes…Ellen’s turning red. And she’s…is she? Could she? Oh my god. She’s getting bigger! Not just bigger. Taller. Wider. She’s four times her original size now! And she’s growing horns and fangs and a tail and…oh my god…her breasts are on fire! WAIT, now her whole body is on fire and she’s screaming something in what you think is Latin but you’re too scared to check with your phone. “DAMN YOU, PORTIA!” she screams in an unholy voice before turning her bright red eyes to you and your mother…then, suddenly—

See what I’m saying, Ellen show insider? This sounds INCREDIBLE, and you’re doing a disservice to the entire world for not filming it.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

• Britney Spears is currently reading The Longest Ride.
• Chrissy Teigen put her arm around John Legend’s shoulder because they are in love.
• Jessica Simpson “is a mess.”
• Mariah Carey wants to be on Empire.
• Taylor Swift is six degrees from Jocelyn Wildenstein.
• “Celebs are Contour-Obsessed!”

Grade: B+ (The restaurant doesn’t have gluten-free pasta but at least the host seated you next to Taraji’s table)

Fig. 1, inTouch

Fig. 2, inTouch

Fig. 3, Life & Style

Fig. 4, OK