This Week In Tabloids: Obama's White House Baby, And Other Gossip We Can't Believe In

In Touch
We’ve already heard about “the shocking book that could split Angelina and Brad,” which their former bodyguard, Mickey Brett, is threatening to write, but there are some new juicy details. Mickey supposedly walked in on Angelina and Brad “being intimate” in her trailer only three weeks into the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angie won Brad over by doing whatever he wanted in bed, including “buying sex toys, paddles and whips and dressing up in latex,” says the source. Mickey says he and Angie used to laugh about what a poser Brad is, like when he got a tattoo to impress her. Also, Angie cheated on Brad with at least one dude since Shiloh’s birth AND hooked up with a famous female pop star on numerous occasions. Moving on: Marc Anthony is denying allegations that his fights with J.Lo are violent. “He would never hit her,” says a friend. “Marc is not someone to get out of control at all. He has the most respect for women and for Jennifer.” Finally, “What happened to their boobs?” When stars such as Anne Hathaway and Lindsay Lohan lost weight, their chests got smaller. But when Nicole Richie gained weight and had a baby, her boobs got bigger. Hopefully In Touch will get to the bottom of this shocking phenomenon.
Grade: D (Being the Chief Justice who flubbed the oath of office)

Life & Style
If you can’t get enough of the Obamas, but have a strange aversion to legitimate news sources, Life & Style has you covered. The mag does an impressive job putting together 16-pages of inauguration coverage, despite the fact that the mag went to print before the actual swearing in. There are tons of pictures of Barack as a child, eating chili dogs, and hugging babies, and photos of Malia snapping pictures of the inauguration festivities on her camera (and thank goodness she did, or we’d have NO record of this historic occasion). Plus, in a new take on the requisite piece on Michelle’s style, there is an article analyzing her interior decorating taste based on an old photo taken in her living room. (Fig. 2) Moving on: Hopefully people will be a little more sympathetic to Robert Pattinson after reading this tragic four page tale about his low self-esteem, unsuccessful pick up lines, and lonely nights at home snacking on Hot Pockets and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sadly, Pattinson is forced to frequent hot Hollywood restaurants and clubs with friends at night because a clause in his Twilight contract forbids him from going out in the daytime and ruining his vampire-like complexion. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off-again. They haven’t been spotted together since they went to Mexico for New Year’s Eve (and her promotional tour for Marley & Me ended). Next: Lindsay Lohan lost some weight recently and her backbone was sticking out at a recent inauguration party. Her friend says it’s because she’s stressed and she’s been doing ads for Fornarina. “So yeah, if she’s modeling, she has to be skinny,” says the friend. (Fig. 3) Angelina Jolie has no friends. She’s never been into gossiping with girlfriends or making small talk because she thinks it’s a waste of time. Brad is starting to miss when he and Jennifer Aniston would hang out with their couple friends. Though Paris Hilton already has a new BFF, she’s thoughtfully offered to befriend Angie because she says, “she’s strong but gorgeous and uses her fame for good … I’d have a lot in common with her.” Madonna ate the same salmon dish at the Waverly Inn two times last week, so she is clearly following a “salmon retox” diet, in the hope that the omega-3 oils in the fish will help turn back the clock. Lastly, Dr. Rey’s heinous plastic surgery casebook takes a turn for the macabre this week, and he suggests that Angelina should steal Penelope Cruz’s skin presumably Silence of the Lambs-style. But did they forget to photoshop Penelope’s skin onto Angie’s face, or does their skin just look exactly the same? (Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (Losing your ticket for a seat at the inauguration and having to stand on the Mall with the huddled masses.)

Star
The newest Jolie-Pitts, Vivienne and Knox, have not been spotted in public since October 8, supposedly because the twins are sickly and suffer from colds, chest congestion, and ear infections. Or possibly, Brad and Angie don’t want to let their seven month old babies be mobbed by the paparazzi. Though this article is based on the fact that they twins haven’t been spotted out and about, Angie is also accused of being a bad mother because she drags them along while she jets around the world, even though a doctor advised her that flying is bad for the babies. Next up: Jessica Biel and boyfriend Justin Timberlake have been trying for a baby since August. She took a pregnancy test in November, but it was negative, so they’re still trying. They may get engaged and wed this summer, but if Jess gets pregnant they’ll put a rush on it. “They want to be married before a baby begins to show,” says a friend. “Jessica is old fashioned that way.” Blind item: Which rocker is about to split from his sizzling young wife? Friends are saying that it’s only a matter of time until one of them gets served with divorce papers. Kate Hudson and pro golfer Adam Scott let the world know that they are a couple by making out on the beach. In other news, when Brian Austin Green refused to attend the Golden Globes with his fiance Megan Fox, she retaliated by flirting with Zac Efron all night, hugging and kissing him even though his fellow teen starlet girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was sitting next to them. Finally: White. House. Baby. In the craziest inauguration story all week, Star claims that Michelle and Barack think now would be a great time to have another baby. Michelle is 45 and had difficulty conceiving Malia, but she’s considering in vitro fertilization and will likely start treatments once they’ve settled in at the White House. Barack loves his girls, but “wonders what it’d be liek to have a son to play hoops with.” Because he has nothing else on his mind right now. Even if Michelle can’t have another baby, they are planning to adopt an African-American boy and are considering a learning-disabled child because it would set a good example. “They country needs something to be happy about again,” says a source. “And what’s more joyous than a baby?”
Grade: C+ (Walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in the cold … and in heels.)

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