This Week in Tabloids: Prince Harry's Girl Goes to Princess Boot Camp

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we plumb the darkest depths of Us Weekly, OK!, Star, Life & Style and inTouch for secrets and esoteric knowledge. This week, Kim Kardashian’s missing body has been located; Kelly Clarkson has won the weekly title of “PREGNANT & ALONE,” and Cressida Bonas is getting shipped off to Princess Boot Camp. Let’s dive in.

Kim Kardashian’s body has returned to her. No longer shall her intangible consciousness float around helplessly, searching in vain for its corporeal form. Oh, wait, no, sorry — this just means that she is no longer pregnant or bearing the burden of “baby weight,” every tabloid’s #1 fav body-policing term. Like the pregnant bikini shots published in Us before, these EXCLUSIVE PIX were shot by Brian Prahl (a photographer who almost definitely has some sort of deal worked out with the Kardashian family, in which they’re allowed to approve photos in exchange for exclusive access). This means that these bikini kandids are probably kontrived, not that that really matters or means anything. Although Kim does look beautiful and healthy, there’s something so unsettling and gross about the “revenge body” narrative — like, “You all viciously said I should lose weight, so I did it! I did exactly what you bullied me into! I showed you all!” The magazine provides three angles of Kim for your judgment/approval because revenge [Fig 1]. In other news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took their army of children on vacation in Australia, where they were rabidly photographed and eavesdropped upon. “Knox was a champ!” reveals “a source, on the child’s paddleboarding prowess. They all went to the Lion King. “You could hear happy squealing” from their villa. All in all, a lovely time. Moving on: the magazine got some SECRET BEAUTY TIPS from Victoria’s Secret Angels, and you will not believe them. They got a lot of sleep. They did not eat potato chips. They wore bronzer. They put on lotion. That is so crazy. Elsewhere in the mag, we learn that Anne Hathaway approached Beyonce at a vegan restaurant and the two professed admiration for one another. “I love your music,” Anne Hathaway reportedly said. “Your movies made me cry!” Beyonce was said to have responded. (Ariana Grande was that the vegan restaurant too, but no one included her 🙁 )

GRADE: C- (a blobfish smoking a damp cigarette)

Amanda Bynes appears to have said two sentences to inTouch: “It’s been five days since I got out of rehab, and I am doing very well. I’m doing great.” That’s the only Bynes quote in this “exclusive interview,” most of which revisits her highly-public breakdown earlier this year [Fig 2]. Bynes never said “I’m lucky to be alive!”, as the cover seems to indicate. According to her family’s lawyer, Amanda is interested in going to college for fashion, and she’s focusing on recovering and re-adapting to life outside of rehab. I really hope that she gets better and that this is the last Amanda Bynes cover story we see for a long while. Moving on: Sofia Vergara isn’t wearing her engagement ring any more, which means that her fiancee Nick Loeb’s WANDERING EYE and MONEY INSECURITY has driven the pair apart. You can divine such things from an absent piece of jewelry; it’s a very special art. In other news, the guy who claims that he’s the real father of Kourtney Kardashian’s firstborn child really refuses to go away. Unhappy with the individually-administered paternity test she took a long-ass time ago, he’s summoning her into court later this month. This story is a magical combination of both tedious and gross. In good news, Kanye West has seen the Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire three times so far and he “can tell you absolutely every detail.” Can you imagine a better experience than having Kanye tell you absolutely every detail about the Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire? I literally cannot. I am being sincere. I can’t imagine a single better thing.

GRADE: D- (the shriveled up carcass of a male anglerfish, attached to the plump underbelly of his mate)

Jennifer Aniston has realized that her relationship with Justin Theroux is just never going to work, says a third-person omniscient narrator. Evidence: they didn’t look happy when they were choosing a Christmas tree; they’re not buying any more houses (a happy couple can never have enough real estate); they are living separately while they film movies. “Most of Jen’s friends expected this to happy because she’s usually with guys for two years at the most before they break up,” notes a frenemy on the inside. Ouch. Next: Cressida Bonas is going to Princess Boot Camp in order to stop being so damn kooky before Prince Harry proposes. Is this the plot of a Disney Channel Original Movie? If not, SOMEONE PLEASE GET WRITING THAT SCRIPT, ASAP. In Princess Boot Camp, a team of advisers tells you to stop wearing scrunchies and to get a real job and to stop drinking wine out of the bottle. Princess Boot Camp sounds like absolute hell. In other news, Brad and Angelina’s Australian idyll was not a fun vacation — it was an eating intervention. Angelina is so busy with work that she has stopped consuming food, so Brad flew to her side to remind her that intaking nutrients is a vital part of staying alive. Helpfully, the magazine has run an infographic detailing all that’s wrong with Angelina’s “gaunt” new appearance. [Fig 3]

GRADE: F (whatever depraved being lives on the bottom of the Pacific Garbage Vortex)

Two women have written anonymous accounts of hooking up with Kelly Clarkson’s husband and posted them on the Internet, which definitely means that Kelly Clarkson is America’s Next Top PREGNANT & BETRAYED. Kelly Clarkson and her husband have publicly denied that the blog posts are true, but Star gleefully takes this opportunity to talk about how Clarkson’s morning sickness is bad and how her dog died recently. Great. Moving on — Star does gain a few points for this hook: “The Hatfields and the McCoys. The Capulets and the Montagues. The Lohans and the Hiltons?” Yes, dear reader, Lindsay Lohan’s friend punched Barron Hilton in a fair “cocaine-fueled house party,” where we lay our scene. Now everyone is in a feud. A plague on everyone’s mansion. In other news, Kris Jenner and Ben Flajnik love sex so much and they do all the sex things together frequently. “Kim, Khloe and Kourtney nicknamed [Kris] Nympho Kardashian,” chuckles and insider. “She laughs about it but knows it’s true.” And there you have it. The two worst sentences in the world. While we’re on the subject of the Kardashians, Khloe and Scott are definitely secretly in love, via facilitating the Teen Trainwreckage of Kylie and Kendall together and also holding hands. Is there a big enough yawn one can muster in response to this, I wonder.

GRADE: F (one of those sad little wigglers from Ursula the Sea Witch’s garden wearing a denim newsboy cap)

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have already broken up, leaving Jen to raise “this baby” by herself. “This baby” does not exist; no one is even pretending that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant (for a change), so um, I don’t know. The rest of this sad tale is stuff we have heard already. Moving on: Kendra Wilkinson is having a baby girl, which is good for her. What follows is an exclusive interview that is roughly 50% about how Kendra intends to stay thin while carrying a child. The rest of the magazine is absolute, unreadable garbage, feat. a spread about all of the International Mischief Justin Bieber has caused. [Fig 4]

GRADE: F (this fuckin’ thing that lives on the seafloor and plans your demise)

Addendum

Fig. 1, Us Weekly.