Well, It's Time to Play FMK with the Republican Presidential Hopefuls

By Jia Tolentino | April 7, 2015 | 5:10pm

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Now that Rand Paul has announced his Presidential candidacy, joining firstie candidate-in-name-only Ted Cruz and the inevitable-but-formally-unannounced Jeb Bush (sorry: “Heb Boosh”), it is officially the season of Republican conjecture. And, for a woman who would only vote Republican at gunpoint, there is only one conjecture worth sustaining, and that’s a silly little game of theoreticals we like to call FMK.

Rand Paul. Ted Cruz. Heb Boosh. What are you going to do—in theory? Let’s go category by category to see.

Fuck

Rand Paul: Rand Paul, age 52, is easily the most conventionally attractive of these candidates. But he is also, despite his anti-regulation views, a life-begins-at-conception hardliner who favors a federal ban on abortion in all but the most serious medical cases. So if you got pregnant by accident, good luck.

Ted Cruz: Once called birth control “abortifacients.” Age 44, looks like he’s melting. Probably would be horrifying to have sex with and would never pay for Plan B, that known abortifacient.

Heb Boosh: He’s 62 now, but Columba Boosh was a real hottie back in the day, so take from that what you will. Important to mention that Heb Boosh has an absolutely disgusting record when it comes to reproductive rights in Florida: he sanctioned state-issued CHOOSE LIFE license plates that funded anti-choice groups, he asked a court to appoint a legal guardian for the fetus of a mentally disabled rape victim, and he also tried to intervene in the case of a 13-year-old seeking an abortion (eventually getting overruled by a judge). Great, great. Love it.

Marry

Rand Paul: Paul opposes same-sex marriages (it “offends” him) but says he would leave the issue up to the states to decide. His net worth is estimated to be from $1-2 million, and his wife is cute and seems pretty chilled-out. I imagine that Rand Paul is not opposed to peaceful hangs. Wouldn’t be a horrible life.

Ted Cruz: Cruz is so anti-equality that he opposes public officials marching in LGBT parades—and, remarkably, he opposes the Violence Against Women act and voted it down in 2013. He is a moral trash fire parading under a Southern Baptist banner of righteousness (fun fact: he went to my high school!) and his hypocrisy extends to the money equation: he’s got a net worth just under $2 million, but is a peculiar record-keeper, notoriously listing his wife’s Goldman Sachs income as “over $1,000” on a Congressional disclosure form.

Cruz was a major force behind the government shutdown in 2013: can you imagine having an argument with this guy?

Heb Boosh: Heb Boosh is less of a strong-arm moralist than either of the other two candidates; earlier this year, he said,

“I hope that we can show respect for the good people on all sides of the gay and lesbian marriage issue — including couples making lifetime commitments to each other who are seeking greater legal protections and those of us who believe marriage is a sacrament and want to safeguard religious liberty.”

“Religious liberty.” Whatever.

Let us turn our attention to the fact that Heb Boosh is RICH AS HELL: in the early ‘80s, he was already saying things like “I want to be very wealthy, and I’ll be glad to tell you when I’ve accomplished that goal.” Today, his estimated net worth is around $12 million, thanks to his history of profiting from corporate board seats and paid consultancies just before said corporations went under—corporations that will no doubt be seeking to reap the benefits in another Bush presidency, God save us.

No matter what, as his wife, you’d benefit quite a bit from this: Columba Boosh in 1999 was detained by customs after going on a solo five-day shopping spree in Paris and then not declaring her $19k purchases on the way back in. (A year later, she took out a loan to buy $42k’s worth of jewelry in a single day.) And the family looks really cute together in this old picture, too (Columba’s bottom left, Jeb is second from the left in the top row.)

Kill

Rand Paul: Paul opposes all gun control legislation. He hasn’t come down on any particular viewpoint about the death penalty, but has been fairly straightforward about the need to reform the racist criminal justice system.

Ted Cruz: Opposes gun control, opposes Obamacare, once said “God ordains the death penalty.”

Heb Boosh: Boosh, of course, signed the racist trash-law Stand Your Ground into being while serving as Governor of Florida. He’s also a capital punishment advocate and oversaw 21 executions while in office, although he called for a temporary hold after the “botched,” 34-minute-long execution of Angel Diaz.

The Verdict

Easy for me. Fuck Paul, kill Cruz, marry Boosh (and then somehow get rid of him without ever fucking him and take all his money). What about you?

Images via AP

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