There’s nothing like a stunning celestial event to fill your spirit with awe and remind you that humans are just a mashup of molecules dropped onto a floating rock at some random point in eternity. More specifically, there’s nothing like a pink full moon ushering in spring to make you feel like ritually sacrificing some men—I mean, kissing each other—to celebrate life, please the goddesses, and save humanity from this stupid patriarchal chokehold.
On Saturday, April’s Pink Moon will rise, making its peak in the U.S. at 8:22 p.m. ET, according to the U.S. Naval Observatory. It won’t actually be pink, of course, since that would scare the men into their homes. According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, some Eastern Native American tribes dubbed April’s full moon the “pink moon” because early spring wildflowers typically wouldn’t be far behind. Other tribes have called it the “egg moon,” “the moon when the ducks come back,” “the sprouting grass moon,” and the “fish moon.” The fish moon is also an appropriate name for an evening of attracting and sacrificing men—I mean, kissing each other—due to men’s fondness for catching and displaying fish. Except on this night, the men are the ones being…you get it.
Soak in its aura; bask in its light; obey its order to tell the nearest man that you have a *kissing game* you’d like to play; then let its charge ignite your urge to walk barefoot into a forest. While 2025 will have three supermoons (when a full moon is the closest to the Earth as it can get), this moon is considered a “micro moon” which is fitting because it’s pink and women are tiny and dainty, and also because it’s literally the smallest and farthest full moon of the entire year. This strategic play by Mother Nature means the men won’t even notice there’s a moon because noticing a “micro moon” rather than a big, bad supermoon would be an affront to their masculinity and mean that they, too, are micro.
The Pink Moon’s magical and atoning powers are further amplified by being in Libra—the sign of fairness and harmony. Which I believe we as a species could achieve if we just gather a couple of these fuckers to offer as a gift to whichever goddesses are feeling neglected. By “gather,” I of course mean, invite all your friends to a bar, by “offer,” I mean offer to buy the men drinks, and by “goddesses,” I mean you, the gorgeous, gorgeous girl these lucky men will get to kiss 😉 Libra also means the weekend’s astrological themes are justice and relationships, so whether you’ve been wronged, or…haven’t been wronged…you should mark your relationship milestone with a makeout session so hot your man might feel like he’s burning alive.
So on Saturday night, if you feel a crackling in your veins and a humming in your brain as if someone’s chanting “Find a Man to Sacrifice, Find a Man to Sacrifice,” then don’t ignore it. Walk in the direction you’re feeling most compelled and don’t second-guess any sudden urges to, well, tie up a man and levitate him towards the spot in the woods with the clearing where the moonlight shines brightest. Haha, just kidding! If you’re new to astrology and witchcraft, “find a man to sacrifice” usually means, “kiss someone cute!” If it’s a woman, that’s great. If it’s a man…well, the urges would not steer you wrong, and you know what to do. Pink Moon Be With You.
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