Last week, the latest interpretation of the life of noted dude Jesus Christ hit the big screen. Son of God, the movie in which the “Satan” character was removed for too closely resembling a certain Head of State, is an overview of Jesus’ life, from birth to resurrection. More importantly, it features a very good looking Jesus. But it’s not like that’s a first. Our film and television industry boasts a long and illustrious history of portraying the Christian Lord n’ Savior as one saucy minx (and almost always a white dude). (I mean, as a Hindu, that’s pretty much the extent of my understanding of Christianity: God has the world’s worst trust exercises—a foreskin!? really?! whatever happened to falling backwards?—and his son is hot.)
So here’s a conveniently curated list of Hot White Jesuses from 20th-21st century screen media, none of which I have actually watched.
Diogo Mordalo—Son of God (2014), The Bible (2013)
This dude has played Jesus, not once, but twice. He’s experienced and he looks like an approachable Jon Snow. Also he’s Portuguese. This is the Jesus of your OK Cupid dreams.
Robert Powell—Jesus of Nazareth (1977)
Mysterious and aloof, this Jesus has some baggage and needs someone to break down the wall he has built up around his heart and let him love again.
Willem Defoe—The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
You’re attracted to this Jesus in the same way that you’re attracted to your weed dealer. Kinda hot, but there’s a good chance there’s a bedsheet-sized fabric Bob Marley poster somewhere in his room.
Max Von Sydow—The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965)
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