If the world of wedding blogs is a candy-colored, calligraphed, calla-lillied carnival, then wedding Instagram is without a doubt that carnival’s champagne-wasted, sugar-high sideshow. When I got engaged, I started following The Knot, thinking it would set a fire under my ass to get me to start planning. Then, little by little, I started following more, because of this column, because I needed dress inspiration, because I loved bouquets, and because at any given moment, there is always something to do for your wedding, and if you’re on Instagram fucking around, you should have something there reminding you to call your DJ and ask for that extra hour, idiot.
And sure, if you take a scroll through this niche of accounts, you’ll find lots of inspiration. But you’ll also find hackneyed horrors and freakishness a-plenty: Disembodied hands sprouting diamonds the size of domestic cats. Entire country homes, once beautiful, now crumbling and on the verge of being overtaken by forests of exotic, possibly man-eating flora. Dogs wearing suits made for humans. Beautiful dead-eyed witches, laughing at voices only they can hear.
Of course, each account has its own unique strengths and freakishness. Some post real weddings, plus helpful tips. Some post real weddings, plus “helpful” tips, plus embarrassing moments. Some repost engagement stories and ring pictures. Some post trays of cocktails with those stripey paper straws that disintegrate in your mouth while you’re trying to get blackout. See? All different. Luckily, I’ve combed through them all, so you don’t have to.
Here: Part one of my sideshow guide. Step right up and don’t be shy.
Account: The Knot
Overview: Everything The Knot is good for—that is, all-too-in-depth coverage of all things weddings, all people who get married (as long as they’re white and have a combined income of $500,000 or more annually), and all things diamond-halo—but with the fun twist of not that much context. Think: Zillions of pastel-toned posts a day, all with essentially the same chirpy caption: “We <3 this [adjective] [wedding noun] so much, it makes our [plural noun] [verb]! #Swoon!” Pros: If you scroll through their feed at the right pace, it feels like you just took Dayquil upside-down inside a bucking piñata. They’re really good about listing the sources of everything in a picture (if you, say, like a veil that Bride Jen from Boulder is wearing). Lots of animals. Good place to find out whether people get engaged in Paris or not (they do).
Cons: So many insane ring selfies it’s enough to make you want to cut off your head shove it into its stem and choke your own throat with it. Any time a ring selfie appears to be one carat or smaller (rare), they call it a “sparkler”—rude. They post contrived announcement pics every time a staffer gets engaged, which, too much—don’t shit where you eat. They use the term “Knotties” to refer to readers and followers; ew. People got engaged at Disneyland, and they cared.
Fast Fact: If you open this account on your phone and then put your phone in the middle of an issue of The Knot magazine and then close it so it’s like a The Knot sandwich, and then look at yourself in the mirror, what you’ll see in the reflection is a fucking insane person.
I Say: As cheerful and useless as a pretty journal in the checkout line at TJMaxx, y’all. (That I purchase.) (Always.)
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