And What the Fuck Might This Be?


Sign of the impending apocalypse #62339583: This thing.

People reported on Thursday via The Siberian Times that the body of a massive, hirsute creature, which news outlets are casually referring to as a “sea monster,” has washed up on a beach in Russia, on the Kamchatka peninsula. According to The Siberian Times the “smelly heavyweight monster” is “three times the size of a man” and “appears to have a long tail—or tentacle—but no definite head or eyes.”

A local witness to the aquatic nightmare, Svetlana Dyadenko,” reportedly posted about it, musing, “Could it be some ancient creature? I wish scientists could inspect this enigma that ocean threw at us.”

Various commenters proposed, according to The Siberian Times, that the alarming detritus might be “like an octopus,” or something “from a thawed glacier,” or a “globster” (unidentified organic mass, which sounds about right).

Scientist Sergie Kornev later theorized, according to People, that it could be a piece of a large sea creature, perhaps a shark or a whale. “Under the influence of the sea, time, and various animals, from the smallest to the largest, a whale often takes on bizarre forms. This is only a part of a whale, not a whole one.”

My take: Trump’s secret cache of toupées and hair plugs that didn’t take. They tried to destroy the evidence! But the sea will not be silenced.

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