This year, Reese Witherspoon and Blake Lively joined the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Alba, the Kardashians, and Rachel Zoe in launching their own celebrity lifestyle brands, with the hopes that from them, those of us who don’t know How to Live can learn. But surely they’re not the only ones with the wide base of knowledge and experience necessary to educate the plebes. In fact, you, too, might be qualified to launch your own lifestyle brand.
If you’re interested in our lifestyle brand self-assessment, simply honestly answer each of the following questions with a YES or a NO.
PART 1
1. Are you blonde?
2. Have you appeared on the cover of Vogue?
3. More than once?
4. More than twice?
5. Do you have children?
6. Are they tow-headed?
7. Do less interesting and zeitgeisty people make fun of their names?
8. Have you been photographed wearing varying shades of ivory frolicking with them on a beach in the Hamptons or Cape Cod?
9. Have you appeared on a major Best Dressed list within the past 5 years?
10. Have you appeared on a major Best Dressed list published more than five years ago?
11. Does your circle of friends include at least one celebrity nutritionist, one vegan chef, and one celebrity trainer?
12. Is your husband or partner very famous?
13. Do you count among your “hobbies” something many people do by economic necessity? (ie: cooking, baking, gardening, sewing)
14. Are your parents, siblings, or cousins rich and famous?
15. Have you been the face of an ad campaign?
16. Do you have an entire staff devoted to maintaining the appearance that you “have it all”?
17. Do you literally think you’re better than most other people?
PART 2
1. Do you cook meals for yourself and your family more than 3 nights per week?
2. Can you mend a loose button yourself?
3. Can you mend basic wear and tear on clothing without sending it to the dry cleaner?
4. Have you ever taken any advanced training in cuisine, cooking, or baking?
5. Do you balance your own checkbook?
6. Have you ever styled your own hair for a party or event?
7. If you were shipwrecked on a remote island with only basic supplies, would you survive for longer than 5 days?
8. How about if you were shipwrecked on a remote island with a bunch of other people who wanted to fight you?
9. Do you kill your own bugs?
10. Have you ever baked bread?
11. Did you decorate your house without the aid of a professional decorator?
12. Did you plan your own wedding?
13. Do your friends have jobs like: teacher, medical biller, middle manager at a small logistics company, small town newspaper reporter?
14. Can you pitch a tent?
15. Do you wrap your holiday gifts yourself?
16. Do you regularly drive yourself places?
17. If you’re an actress, are you any good at it?
Finished! Great! Now, time to come up with your score and discover if the world needs to hear your advice on how to be a functional alive person.
For PART 1, every YES answer counts for 5 points.
For PART 2, every YES answer counts for 0 points.
0-20 points
Sorry, but no one should be learning how to live from you. Do you even have a publicist? Christ.
20-35 points
It’s possible that you’ve got some great tips on how to live in that professionally coiffed noggin’ of yours, but judging by your low score, you’ve got a lot more Anna Wintour sucking up to do before you become the blande icon America seeks out for life advice.
35-50 points
You’re a solid candidate for a lifestyle brand. You might even want to think about writing a cookbook, or putting together a special themed book about how to have a really special holiday.
50 + points
You are already pretty much a guru, and you owe it to America to take everyone with you on your journey as you discover basic life skills you’d normally just have your assistant(s) do for you. Cookbooks: yes please. Workout routines: again, why doesn’t this already exist? An app? Obviously. Your own line of luxury towels? This country needs it. Open a branded store! Name a diet after yourself! Krusty the Klown the shit out of your otherwise indistinct personal brand before everyone forgets who you are.
I believe in you.