Every year, in the swamp-assiest armpit of summer, the MTV Video Music Awards rollerblade into our lives, a string of musicians, reality stars, and “influencers” in tow. This summer being the most swamp-assiest in recent memory, it makes sense that 2018’s VMAs lineup is more of a confused fever-dream than usual: Cardi B is appearing but not performing, J.Lo is getting the Vanguard Award, Madonna’s doing something-something-something, and Aerosmith is closing out the show for some ungodly reason that does not square for me at this very moment but perhaps will become clear as it unfolds.
Making these types of decisions scrutable is not our goal here, though. What we’re doing here is gushing and being judgey about all these peoples’ outfits! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Above, Cardi B is a brand new mom and straight-up already got that mom haircut! Lean into it, Cardi! With your stunty burgundy velvet.
Frankie Grande always ends up somewhere, no? He kept it casj with a disco-sequins jacket and matching sparkly sneakers, the kind of fun you want from a VMAs carpet. Morgan Saint’s sheer white suit is very chic and now, which is to say also 1998, as is that sort of disaffected, glum vibe she’s emitting.
Vinny and Pauly are dressed like you’d expect, although I wish Vinny’s Keto diet would rub off on Pauly’s hairdo. Winnie Harlow stuns in anything, but I’m just really so done with the post-Givenchy 2012 sheer embroidered/beaded red carpet gown. Six years is enough!
Jersey Shore’s Deena is looking very bridal shower, while her compatriot JWoww’s look is quite CATCH ME IN THE CLUB. Jillian “Lion Babe” Hervey’s swim coverup is perhaps more flattering not among pap flashes—I would have appreciated a more monochrome leotard, particularly because the hem length and shoes are so sharp and modern. Close! Kyle’s brooch is not quite identifiable but it’s giving me miniature Questlove ca. 2016, when he only wore black suits and that Dee & Ricky Lego heart pin.
Madison Beer and Shanina Shaik flipped their boudoir pajamas into night ensembles, I dig it (but would I do it? Nah). Nyle “Snack Alert” DiMarco kept it simple in a t-shirt and jacket, though I do have an issue with his predilection for that style of V-neck, it’s a whole thing. Shawn Mendes is doing his thing in a doublebreasted jacket and pointy boots, I am not mad!
Asian Doll is cute in full Clueless regalia, a nice and playful look for her first appearance on this carpet! Jessie Reyez is my favorite because A) she is extremely loyal to the half-high ponytail, and B) she never wears shit on a carpet she wouldn’t wear in the streets. Respect. Victor Cruz and Karreuche Tran are a happy, snazzy couple, although I worry for her body temperature in leather anything, as it is swamp-ass season. Willy William’s silk Versace and white pants are nice but I must take issue with the black boots which shorten his legs and make a breezy summer ensemble look 13 pounds heavier, why is this happening? I rebuke it.
Ariana Grande is wearing some sort of space dancer skater dress and her rocketship is Pete Davidson, a man you are not legally allowed to forget that she is going to marry and (most likely) smashes. Good for them. Nicky Hilton Rothschild is here like doing the interiors or something. Are the Hamptons closed this week? Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan are a couple that give me agita, particularly because Cyrus is doing an Aaliyah thing in that bronze look and I need ole girl to step back one time. Offset and Quavo are truly impeccable, though. I want Offset to style me.
Democracy daddy Michael Avenatti is here in his best “he’s running” suit, looking put together but not too put together (man of people), because your Twitter opinions are important. Bebe Rexha’s Drag Race challenge look is making me dizzy with its asymmetry, but Dasha Polanco and Jasmine Sanders figured out how to do a light metallic with ice blue eyeshadows (come through, eyes!) that are perfectly Uptown ‘70s.