Food, Drink, and Scented Candle Pairings For Your Worst Holiday Sads
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The holidays are a time of joy and good cheer. They’re also a time of unending crisis and an unrelenting cascade of tears.
Sometimes it feels like the entire universe has been saving up all the anguish in the world for December, when it unleashes everything it’s got — from your mom’s ridiculous facelift to your dad’s 18 year-old-new girlfriend — on an unsuspecting you. But luckily there are three things in the world that can make this season much more bearable: Food and drinks. And I’m here to provide you with the perfect pairing for all those holiday moments you’d much rather forget but don’t have enough Xanax for. (There just isn’t enough Xanax in the world.)

Crisis: Your dad’s new girlfriend—whom you hate because she is not your mom—has just announced she’s pregnant. You are also pregnant and were planning to announce it at Christmas dinner. Now your announcement is ruined and if you mention it at Christmas, your dad will accuse you of trying to steal her spotlight again. AND, worst of all, you can’t drink because, remember, pregnant.
Solution: The best way to get through this is to eat your way through an entire package of cookie dough. I know that someone somewhere once got salmonella from doing this, but I’ve been assured that cookie dough is now very, very safe (by the man at Safeway who sells me my cookie dough). The consistency of the dough will calm you and give you something to do with your mouth that isn’t shrieking in a rage about how inappropriate your dad’s choice of mate is and what the fuck was he even thinking with that goddamn toupee are you fucking kidding, dad???? and the sugar will give you a temporary feeling of elation. Pair that with a delicious cookie dough shake (cookie dough in a blender) and you’re on your way to feeling better than fine.
Unfortunately, Bath and Body Works doesn’t carry a cookie-scented candle (their closest is something that smells like a cross between red velvet and cinnamon buns), but their new Twisted Peppermint scent is nice and calming. Just don’t get the spray, it’s basically nerve gas.

Crisis: Your mom’s new Botox looks weird and you don’t want to say anything because she’s been saving up for it for over a year, but she can’t even talk right now because her face is in such a state of rigor mortis. Honestly, your dead grandma—RIP NANA—looked better in her casket.
Solution: Eat nothing. The less emphasis you place on food, the less likely you’ll have to spend some uncomfortable time watching your mom attempt to eat a gingerbread man without using her lips or the lower half of your face. This holiday season is going to be all about drinking for you and you’re going to have to drink hard. Start with something light (a shot of rum, perhaps?) and work your way up the alcohol ladder until you’re able to look past the fact that your mom looks like a melting wax figure now, but she was also the only one who supported you when you chose to get a degree in liberal arts. It’s probably going to take some vodka to get there, honestly.
Crisis: You’re a newly turned vampire. You didn’t even think shit like this existed anymore, but here we are, in the middle of Hanukkah and you a blood-sucking member of the undead. Thanks, PlentyOfFish! Thanks, a lot.

Solution: The most important thing is not to panic. Just because you’re an unholy creature now doesn’t mean you don’t get to enjoy the holidays like the rest of us. Look, my bunny is the most evil thing that has ever existed upon this earth and even she gets Christmas presents.