For Sale: White Woman's Tears


In advance of her upcoming EP, the unambiguously titled Good Cry, Noah Cyrus has teamed up with a “company” called Pizzaslime for a collaborative, limited line of merch (including a hoodie that reads “sry i’m trash”), accessories, and a $12,000 bottle of “Noah Tears,” all available for only 48 hours, Billboard reports. I’m too, let’s say vintage for nearly half the words in that sentence—it evokes flashbacks to So Sad Today’s Twitter feed, or Tumblr in 2014—but apparently the Sad Girl Internet Aesthetic is alive, well, potentially less earnest, and inherently monetizable.

As for that bottle: the description reads, “This is approximately 12 tears made by Noah Cyrus as a result of sadness,” and offers the warning, “Human digestion of these tears is not suggested cause tears are generally pretty salty and that would just be super fucking weird if you drank someone else’s tears.” With everything I know about Noah—she’s Miley’s little sister; she had a fake-ass relationship with rapper Lil Xan that only lasted a month, as allegedly orchestrated by their label Columbia Records—I’m gonna go ahead and say this is probably some poor intern’s eye serum. But if you have $12,000 and require a tiny bottle of fabricated white woman’s tears for your witchcraft, by all means, go ahead. Who am I to judge.

Honestly, we should not be surprised by Cyrus’ attempt to make bank off of a tattooed version of her father Billy Ray’s face on a t-shirt, nor could we condemn her for a $12,000 bottle and eye dropper of some liquid marketed as “merch” without recognizing that celeb merchandise, in general, has gotten pretty outta hand. From Jared Leto’s Thirty Seconds to Mars corny-as-shit America line to Kanye’s wack Wyoming merch, things are only going to get more and more ridiculous. At least we’ll always have Mariah.

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