Gwyneth Paltrow Is Mighty Smug About JLaw and Chris Martin's Breakup

Once upon a time, in a far off kingdom called Malibu, a soothsayer named Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled from her sorrowful troubadour husband, Chris Martin. Chris moved on quickly, soon finding love with the villager lass Jennifer Lawrence, but Gwyn was neither worried nor jealous. For she could tell the future, you see, and knew that Martin-Lawrence would not last.

As the olde tome of Radar Online tells it:

News of the Lawrence – Martin split broke on Monday, but according to a source, “Gwyneth wasn’t surprised by it. She never thought the relationship was going to last because of their age difference. Jen is 24 and Chris is 37. Plus, Jen complained to Chris that she felt like the third wheel in their relationship because of all the time he spent with his kids.”

The spell of the kids! But who could be so cruel as to invoke such magic primal and cruel? Who would ever… ohhhhh.

…”Gwyneth always pressured Chris to spend more time with Apple and Moses,” the source revealed. “The kids would constantly call Chris when he was with Jennifer, and whatever they were doing would have to come to a standstill. There was always the expectation from Gwyneth that Chris should spend even more time with the kids.”

Poor Jennifer! Legend has it that the Oscar winner was driven so mad with envy over the realization that her 37-year-old, recently separated, father-of-two boyfriend would often have to see his children that she returned to her pop-pop’s farm in the countryside to live out her days angrily scream singing “Viva La Vida” at a pile of wheat.

[ Radar]

After an extra passed out on the set of her new movie Our Brand Is Crisis, Sandra Bullock assisted in the woman’s recovery by bringing her water and fanning her to get cool while waiting for the ambulance. Billy Bob Thornton, however, stood by idly, probably craving some french fried potaters. LOL, Sling Blade reference! [TMZ]

Once again, Amanda Bynes‘ parents have gotten conservatorship over their daughter. Additionally, the hospital holding Bynes has announced that they will hold her for an additional 30 days. [TMZ]

• Grey’s Anatomy‘s mega-fox Jesse Williams continues to be one of the most thoughtful actor-activists in the game by continually bringing attention back to Mike Brown’s shooting in Ferguson, MO. [MTV]
• Humble brag: Julia Roberts says she’s “taken a big risk in not having had a face-lift.” [US Weekly]
• More humble bragging: Eddie Redmayne could have had the role of Christian Grey. [E!]
• Keira Knightley says that she absolutely loathed high school, citing a particular incident where she was harassed by her classmates for bringing a girl date to a school dance. [Gossip Cop]
• John Carter Cash, son of Johnny and June, has got stripes, stripes around his shoulders. [People]
• Kylie Jenner kindly asks that we stop talking about her mouth. While we’re at it, we might as well stop talking about the rest of her, too. [Bossip]
• As a birthday gift for Kim Kardashian, Kanye West had their one-year-old daughter North hand-paint a Hermes bag. This is the rich person’s version of macaroni art. [ONTD]
• Reunited and it feels so good: The Murray and Dionne Edition. [E!]
• Emma Stone wanted to be cast as Jack in Into the Woods, but — THANKS TO GENDER BIAS — we will never get to hear her belt “Giants in the Sky.” [Just Jared]