Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Crash Trial Reads Like Mad Libs for Rich People

“Terry had been a high-functioning, active person,” Gibby testified. “Every day he was doing lots of things. Meeting groups, wine tasting, skiing, volunteering.”

“After the accident, he deteriorated abruptly and many of the activities he loved to do, he stopped doing,” he continued. Now, you might guffaw at the accusation, but if a woman who just equated bone broth with soup and peddles jade vagina eggs robbed me of my palate for Carlo Rossi, I too might take legal action.

More seriously, Gibby also testified that there were “abnormal findings” on Sanderson’s chest X-ray and an MRI of his brain: “I don’t think it was just a minor bump. He had enough force to knock him unconscious, enough force to break four of the ribs on the right side of his chest, and that, along with the deceleration of striking the ground, I think—the rib fractures corroborate that there was enough force to cause a head injury.”

“Based upon the pattern of injuries here, he was struck from the left side and it forced him to the ground,” he said. Under cross-examination, however, Gibby admitted that some abnormalities could very well have preceded the collision. Steve Owens, one of Paltrow’s attorneys, countered that Sanderson has a history of neurological problems and has become “obsessed” with his case against Paltrow. Per emails following the collision, Sanderson allegedly boasted to his daughter that he was “famous.”

Meanwhile, a woefully uninterested Paltrow has been reportedly sighing, drinking green juice, and texting in court, which…tracks. On Wednesday, Owens complained of cameras aimed at his client in the courtroom. Considering the proceedings are being live-streamed and reporters and national wire photographers are permitted in the courtroom, it’s a bit of a tall order to presume they wouldn’t be aimed at the only major celebrity present.

Naturally, the internet seems to be having a lot of fun at Paltrow’s expense, likening her attire to that of a certain serial killer or a woman on trial for hiring a hitman to kill her husband. Frankly, I’d expect nothing less than turtlenecks and chunky gold jewelry from a woman who stands accused of negligence at a luxury ski resort in Utah.

The trial is anticipated to last two weeks. Testimony from Paltrow, her husband and two children, witnesses and medical experts are reportedly expected to come. As a person who has never once felt compelled to ski for the sole reason that some kind of accident seems inevitable whenever flat sticks are strapped to one’s feet on the side of a steep icy mountain, I wish Mr. Sanderson the best of luck.