How Does Anyone Get Any Sleep Around Here? (Seriously, Tell Us)

By Madeleine Davies | April 26, 2013 | 9:30pm

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Ever since I was a teeny-tiny kid, falling asleep has been a problem for me. Back then, I’d lie awake for hours, panicking as I watched the sun creep up, and now, decades later, it’s a similar story. I still can’t manage to catch a damn wink and neither can anyone else I know. It begs the question — are any of us getting sleep around here?

Earlier today, I was passed along an article from Cosmo about how a lack of sleep can lower a man’s sperm count. (“Try kissing your man with a mouthful of NyQuil for a sexy solution!”) As someone who A.) doesn’t produce sperm and B.) isn’t looking to whip up a baby anytime soon, this bit of information didn’t hold a lot of interest for me. That said, it did make me think about how many studies there are out there concluding that most people need to get more sleep. We all know that we’re supposed to get approximately 8 hours of sleep a night, but the real question is how?

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Granted, I feed my insomnia in certain ways — I drink caffeine, I’ve never learned to meditate and I will stay up late watching hours of terrible TV on Netflix. I do things that actively hurt my sleep cycle, but even when that’s not the case — the times that I am most motivated to be asleep by 11 so that I can be up at 7 — it never works out. Either there’s a social obligation that keeps me out late, I have chores or work to do that take me past the witching hour (p.s. I’m also a witch) or my brain won’t slow down enough to let me drift off (p.p.s. I’m also a super genius).

Once I finally pass out, I generally have no trouble staying that way, though waking up in the morning is consistently like pulling teeth. Usually, it’s taken me so long to fall asleep to begin with that I’ve really only slept about 5.5-6.5 hours. Because of that, I have to set three alarms for myself every morning and I sleep on top of my phone so that the vibration wakes me up.

I did a quick poll of the Jezebel staffers and found that we, on average, get 6-6.5 hours of sleep a night (not including weekends). The most any of us ever slept on a work night was 8 hours and there are some of us who regularly only get 5. Truth is that we all function fine, but that a most of us feel tired a large portion of the time. Keep in mind that we also subsist primarily on coffee and Girl Scout Cookies, so that probably doesn’t help either.

So what are your sleep habits like? Do you generally feel well rested? Do you have a go-to remedy for when you have insomnia? Tell your stories because sharing is caring!