I'll Do Anything for This Baby Polar Bear

The four-pound, 16-inch-long unnamed girl lives at the Columbus Zoo. Her eyes have only just begun to open and she is trying very hard to stand up. She is fed every four hours. Apparently, those little beeping sounds she’s making means she’s happy :).

Here are some things I would do for her, if she asked or if I thought it could help her:

• Run for president to save the climate
• Never have a bagel and cream cheese again
• Become an ascetic monk
• Drink all my water out of a dirty toilet
• Give my apartment bed bugs
• Tell an elderly relative to “Shove it”
• Never laugh
• Jump off a cruise ship and swim to shore
• Tattoo “FART,” or any other word on my face
• Commit treason

And more.