Jeff Bezos Is Going to Space in a Giant Hitachi Magic Wand

Jeff Bezos Is Going to Space in a Giant Hitachi Magic Wand
Image:MANDEL NGAN/POOL/AFP (Getty Images)

My fealty to Jeff Bezos begins and ends with Amazon Prime, a habit that I am incapable of breaking, though I try every now and again. He is a gross little man who is bad at sexting and now he is going to fulfill his destiny as an actual supervillain by going to space.

CNN reports that Bezos will fly to space on the New Shepard, a rocket ship that was funded by his space company, Blue Origin. The trip is scheduled for July 20, which is just a few weeks after his resignation as CEO of Amazon. Bezos will be taking his younger brother, Mark, to fulfill some sort of boyhood fantasy that neither of them probably ever thought would happen, likely because no one predicted that Jeff Bezos would become an evil avatar for patriarchal imperialism.

“The greatest adventure, with my best friend,” he wrote in the caption. Touching. Very sweet. Nothing like having a bald egg man brother to strap you into his space car and take you to space for recreation! It’s worth noting that the space car in question looks like an enormous vibrator. Jeff Bezos is PENETRATING space with this Hitachi Magic Wand, and no one can stop him.

Though I’m sure this is exciting for the Bezi, it’s likely extra exciting for Jeffrey, because he has technically won the space race. Richard Branson’s space operation, Virgin Galactic, probably won’t be going to space until later this year; Elon Musk’s Space X rocket situation has been launching Sirius XM satellites and things for a year or so, but not yet launched a purely recreational flight. Bezos, on the other hand, is fast-tracking his supervillian shit by launching the vibrator up into space.

Space will irrevocably change Bezos, altering his DNA in a way that will be imperceptible to the human eye. When he returns from up there, he’ll be the same old G, but slightly different, programmed for world domination in a way that we have not yet seen. His enemies will be all other men that resemble thumbs, which includes Dr. Phil and Mark Zuckerberg. These men will have a choice: to join Bezos’s Thumb Man Battalion or not. Dr. Phil will choose the darkness, as he’s got little else going for him, but Zuckerberg has been planning for this moment for his entire life. His TERF bangs have powers that we will not know of until Jeff Bezos reveals the breadth of his. What will happen when Bezos returns?

Correction: Space X has indeed launched many a thing into space. Jezebel regrets the error.

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