Johnny Depp and His Lawyer Girlfriend Split, Shattering My Belief in Love

Just kidding, this patchouli stinking-ass dude looks like a Sublime song incarnate, and I hope he never bones again in his life.

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Johnny Depp and His Lawyer Girlfriend Split, Shattering My Belief in Love
Photo:Steve Helber / Noam Galai (Getty) (AP)

“Love is only made more valuable by the risk of heartbreak,” wrote romance novelist Alessandra Torre. How true those words ring today, for today I’ve learned that smut-pirate alleged domestic abuser Johnny Depp and the woman hired to go on the stand and say, “Hey! My client is not a smut-pirate domestic abuser,” have broken up. True love? She doesn’t live here anymore.

Depp and his lawyer in his UK libel lawsuit, Joelle Rich, are no longer dating. In September, the two were linked and said to have “off the charts” chemistry. I can only imagine the fireworks between a professional lawyer who saw a man who cosplays as a Santa Monica busker and thought, “I will put my career on the line and defend this man against being called a wife-beater.” The romance is straight out of a perverse Hallmark movie. Lawyer meets creep; lawyer defends creep; creep and lawyer boink for a short period of time; creep can’t be tied down to one woman, as it’s in his clackety bones to continue wandering the earth skeeving everyone out.

Turns out the titillating passion they shared was not enough to maintain a serious relationship. It was all sex and no substance—a thing none of us have ever experienced, fortunately. It’s a shame, too, because if you were to get a full lobotomy and erase your brain Eternal Sunshine style, you could maybe think of Johnny Depp as a suitable partner, based on his former bone structure.

Perhaps it is for the best that Rich and Depp didn’t pan out. He’s incredibly busy painting portraits of Bob Dylan that would look incredible in the home decor aisle at TJ Maxx and living out a rockstar fantasy, while touring with Yardbirds’ guitarist Jeff Beck. He’s also traumatically rewiring all of our brains by appearing in the Savage Fenty lingerie fashion show next week. Perhaps the affair ended because Rich couldn’t bear to see her man absolutely humiliate himself in such a situation.

For a man whose life has been “ruined” by a woman he planned to expose nude-photos of, he is doing incredibly well. Rich and Depp’s split might prove that true love does not exist, but he’s also proving that alleged serial abusers can have it all!

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