Wellity, wellity, wellity—slightly behind the “real” March Madness, we have arrived at our Sweet Sixteen and while the brutality of college basketball stops at watching young unpaid athletes openly sob court side, this ongoing battle royal means the end of the world. **CUE JOCK JAMS**
Today, our voters will tackle the final eight choices of the pre-apocalypse. Will birth control finally make the bees go extinct? Do you value your pets more than you value perfect weather? Before we find out, here are some winners and losers:
Mad Max Fashion (16) STOMPED Soylent (9) with 90.69—heh—percent of the vote, which is not all that surprising when you weigh dressing like Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome against having soy farts for the rest of your life. In a closer competition, Living on Mars (12) won out against Free Bleeding (13), a questionable choice in my opinion, but hey, I happen to like living on Earth and have a fairly light flow. Dramatic Sex (11) fucked Radioactive Glow (14) off the bracket, but imagine a world where you could have both? Beautiful! Apparently, we’ve got a lot of INFP in the house, as Solitude (10) easily beat out Being Stuck with the People Who Weren’t Raptured (2), i.e. my friends. Surprising no one, Unlimited Time Off (9) walloped Trump Somehow Still President (16), leaving our POTUS as nothing more than an orange shit stain on what was once America’s past. Apparently, you all would rather be ruled over by the parasite that’s latched itself to Jeff Bezos’s spine and is spying on WHILE laughing at you than live in a nice, albeit dark, underground society because Alexa Is Your New Queen (4) has eked out ahead of Everyone Is a Mole Person (12). Do you imagine she’ll be a benevolent ruler? Rise of Cults (6) was foiled not by the FBI this time, but by Citizen Radio Networks (14), though talk to enough El Chapo listeners and you might find that the middle of that Venn diagram is larger than you think. Finally, No More Student Loan Debt (15) understandably continues to reign supreme, knocking Cross Country Road Trips (7) out of the competition with 67.23% of the vote.
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