March Madness Sweet Sixteen: Learn to Fear Alexa

March Madness Sweet Sixteen: Learn to Fear Alexa
Illustration:Jim Cooke/GMG

Wellity, wellity, wellity—slightly behind the “real” March Madness, we have arrived at our Sweet Sixteen and while the brutality of college basketball stops at watching young unpaid athletes openly sob court side, this ongoing battle royal means the end of the world. **CUE JOCK JAMS**

Today, our voters will tackle the final eight choices of the pre-apocalypse. Will birth control finally make the bees go extinct? Do you value your pets more than you value perfect weather? Before we find out, here are some winners and losers:

Mad Max Fashion (16) STOMPED Soylent (9) with 90.69—heh—percent of the vote, which is not all that surprising when you weigh dressing like Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome against having soy farts for the rest of your life. In a closer competition, Living on Mars (12) won out against Free Bleeding (13), a questionable choice in my opinion, but hey, I happen to like living on Earth and have a fairly light flow. Dramatic Sex (11) fucked Radioactive Glow (14) off the bracket, but imagine a world where you could have both? Beautiful! Apparently, we’ve got a lot of INFP in the house, as Solitude (10) easily beat out Being Stuck with the People Who Weren’t Raptured (2), i.e. my friends. Surprising no one, Unlimited Time Off (9) walloped Trump Somehow Still President (16), leaving our POTUS as nothing more than an orange shit stain on what was once America’s past. Apparently, you all would rather be ruled over by the parasite that’s latched itself to Jeff Bezos’s spine and is spying on WHILE laughing at you than live in a nice, albeit dark, underground society because Alexa Is Your New Queen (4) has eked out ahead of Everyone Is a Mole Person (12). Do you imagine she’ll be a benevolent ruler? Rise of Cults (6) was foiled not by the FBI this time, but by Citizen Radio Networks (14), though talk to enough El Chapo listeners and you might find that the middle of that Venn diagram is larger than you think. Finally, No More Student Loan Debt (15) understandably continues to reign supreme, knocking Cross Country Road Trips (7) out of the competition with 67.23% of the vote.

But now onto today’s competition:

Starting us off on a tough choice, it’s top seed Birth Control (1) facing off against Bees (4) and what will it be(e)? The species that pollinates flowers and keeps the Earth’s plants in bloom or the technology that keeps your flower blessedly un-pollinated?

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Next, our beloved Pets (11) are being thrown in the ring against the equally coveted 70 Degree Days (2). On one hand, taking your dog for a walk is already a pain in the ass when it’s cold outside—NOW imagine it being that cold forever and always. On the other, what does a 70 degree day matter if your heart is frozen solid because you never had pet to warm it?

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Wellness (16) faces off against Indoor Plumbing (12) and the outcome feels already decided, though who knows?! Maybe your Goop-approved macro diet is so efficient that you never have to/get to poop, leaving your indoor plumbing a little less necessary. Besides, sponge baths actually allow your body’s natural microbes to flourish while your jade yoni egg will purify your insides. It’s true! Gwyneth told me!

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Finally, it’s the battle of cyber conveniences with Online Shopping (11) stepping toe-to-toe with Automatic Bill Pay (10). What’s better? Never forgetting a phone bill or never setting foot in a poorly lit dressing room again?

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Polls close tomorrow. Here is your updated bracket:


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