Noooo, Tulsi, Uh, Don’t Go

Gabbard announced she's leaving the Democratic Party to start a Youtube show. I think I just saw Chuck Schumer walk right into the Hudson River.

Noooo, Tulsi, Uh, Don’t Go
Photo:Joshua Lott (Getty Images)

Dressed like a Wyoming public radio host, former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (?-Hawaii) posted a video to Twitter this morning announcing that she is engaged to Tucker Carlson leaving the Left behind. “I can no longer remain in today’s Democratic Party that is now under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers,” she began, and for a brief moment I nodded along with her. Yeah, fuck the elitist cabal of warmongers! We hate those guys!

Then she continued her announcement by trying to spoon-feed us a mishmash of word salad: “…driven by cowardly wokeness, who divide us by racializing every issue and stoke anti-white racism.” Oh hm. Okay. Uh, one second let me find my handkerchief. Alright got it. Oh nooo, Tulsi, don’t go. Stay a little longer. The elitist cabal Democrats love you. How will the party survive without the former Hawaiian representative who endorsed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, changing the party from within its ranks!?

Since her unsuccessful 2020 Democratic presidential run, Gabbard has taken the loss well and further distanced herself from the party. She’s embraced suuuuuper radical free-thinker positions like “trans women shouldn’t compete in sports.” She got people’s attention for not not voting to impeach Trump. And in true, liberated intellectual form, she was placed on a list of Russian propagandists by the Ukrainian government. She’s long been critical of Democrats’ foreign policy and in her video this morning accused them of “dragging us ever closer to nuclear war.” There are plenty of legitimate reasons to criticize and not support Democratic Party, I’m just not sure “anti-white racism” is on that list, for me.

In February she attended CPAC, where she harped on the message of *~*unity*~*. Apparently she found enough middle ground with CPAC’s audience of bigoted and right-wing ideologues that this past August she guest-hosted her new fiancé Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show in his absence. This is actually all really beautifully timed, because her departure from the party and into the arms of the fascists comes at the exact same time as she’s launching her own Youtube talk show (another staple amongst the free-thinking right.) Wow I have chills. So serendipitous.

I don’t really know where the Democrats go from here? I mean, I know that Nancy Pelosi is going to spend a few days under the covers, sobbing, and I just looked out the window of my office to see Chuck Schumer walk straight into the Hudson River. But I have to believe it is possible for them to rebound from not having a woman who met with President Bashar al-Assad while on a “fact-finding” mission in Syria on their team “anymore.”

As for ole Tuls, she has her truly enviable and chic gray streak, and, uh, a “newfound” Fox News audience that will surely welcome her with open arms, if she’s willing to make fun of Biden loving his kids too much.

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