Oh Shit, Johnny Depp Got Married!

CelebritiesDirt Bag

Just last Saturday, People reported that Johnny Depp and his beautiful corpse bride Amber Heard would be getting married in a lavish ceremony that might or might not be completely rendered in claymation. But before any of us even had a chance to catch our breaths, it was over. Depp and Heard have tied the knot.

There isn’t much information about the wedding — other than the fact that it was small and intimate — but any of you who’ve been hoping to crash the ceremony and object because that’s YOUR MAN RIGHT THERE and you didn’t argue with YOUR MOM about whether it was APPROPRIATE for a TEENAGE BOY to purchase a magazine just because JOHNNY DEPP WAS ON THE COVER to GIVE HIM UP TO SOMEONE HE JUST MET might want to calmly put a call in to your therapist now. The man, the dream, the legend is off the market and sources report that he and Heard are “better than ever.” [People]

Is it feeling a little cold in hell or is it just me? Yes, friends, the unthinkable has happened: The most influential family in America (FIGHT ME ON THIS! FIGHT ME!) has cancelled all upcoming press appearances and are actively not promoting their show. Just think about it: Right now, Kim Kardashian is probably sitting in a tower somewhere literally eating herself from the inside out with frustration and anxiety. Cut off from the constant stream of publicity that feeds her, she withers and dies, sustaining herself by devouring one piece of her glorious gluteus at a time, weeping bitterly to enhance the flavor.

TMZ reports that the Kardashians have quit all self-promotion and will not even speak to a member of the press about the new season of their show until it premieres in order to respect Bruce Jenner/heighten drama. This will be especially difficult considering the premiere episode of their show won’t air until July 2015. What will we do without the Kardashians for so many months? HOW WILL WE SURVIVE AS A PEOPLE?

Oh, wait. Sorry. Read that wrong. The new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians premieres on Sunday. My bad. Nothing to see here. Let’s all move along. [TMZ]

  • DJ Mustard remixed that new Rihanna song. I don’t know if this was covered before, but I’m going to be honest with you, I’m just writing about this so I can tell you about this one guy who thinks that every time DJ Mustard says “mustard on the beat” he’s saying “mothers on a beat” and that this is just an accepted hip-hop thing that happens. Also he has like a whole rant about this. Good story, right? [Cosmo]
  • Natalie Portman has just released her new short film, which is really just a cleverly disguised commercial for Dior.[Lainey Gossip]
  • Linsey Godfrey, star of The Bold and the Beautiful, is expected to make a full recovery after being hit by a car. [Page Six]
  • Eddie Redmayne was stopped by airport security because his Golden Globe was bulky and suspicious. Others might have been angry and insulted, but Redmayne was delighted to be questioned about his award because it gave him a chance to tell everyone what it was and exactly how he’d use the statuette to mercilessly bludgeon anyone who tries to stop him from winning an Oscar this year. “That includes you, Meryl!” Redmayne sang-screamed to the melody of “Do You Hear the People Sing?” “That includes you!” [NYDN]
  • Zooey Deschanel loves the way the word “excited” sounds. It’s just so handcrafted and artisanal, you know? (She’s also happy to be having a baby, yes.) [E!]
  • Beautiful women who I’m too old to recognize do things to make themselves more beautiful. Aging blogger with receding hairline mourns his youth just a little harder. Story at 11. [JustJared]
  • Randi and Evi quaid, though. [Dlisted]

Good evening! Here’s a little something I found just for you.

Lead image via Getty

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin