Sam's 24-Hour Product Diary: Quit Smoking, Get Your Shit Right

1. Your lavender-bergamot-tea tree fancy ass toothpaste is the fucking worst. Toothpaste should not be floral, there are only two flavors of toothpaste I acknowledge; Mint and Extra Mint, everything else is garbage. If you disagree with me, it’s fine and I bet your nails are dirty.

2. Brushing your teeth should take at least two minutes. For those people who use a traditional toothbrush, here’s a tip. Break up your teeth zone into four quadrants and brush while singing “happy birthday” for each quadrant. Time’s up, teeth clean, birthdays celebrated. One of the major reasons I bought a Sonic Care was due to the fact that it beeps when you should change quadrants. Also, I have a dreadful singing voice.

After the teeth are clean with their minty freshness, I apply Old Spice “Swagger” deodorant. I’ve used the Old Spice brand for a while now, but in the past few years only buy them based on their horribly douchey scented name because it cracks me up. Like this one is legitimately named “Swagger”—they must have been out of “Dab.” Old Spice has been around for years, doesn’t leave white residue and overall keeps me fresh and not horrible smelling all day.

The downside of this product is that it fucking smells like a combination of burnt tires and an old Italian dude, like my godfather

Once I’m dressed, I head back to the bathroom to finalize my routine. Generally I tend to quickly towel dry my hair after I get out of the shower and then apply hair stuff, which recently I learned is called “Product.. When my hair was shorter, I used a sea salt putty/pomade hybrid by Fatboy that gave me “beach hair.” I loved it, and not just because the name went with my douchey monikered Old Spice. It made my hair feel easy to manage and like I’d just left the beach.

Now that my hair is a wee bit longer, I’ve progressed to hair gel, which isn’t my favorite as it can get dry/sticky, but seems to do the trick. As for brands, I’m currently sticking with the douchey names and use AXE Spiked Up Look Hair Gel Extreme Hold, but they all do the same shit, minus the Extreme branding. I’m hitting a rather significant age this year, and I’ve noticed my once beautiful British/Jewish/Italian hair is now speckled with white and gray, and slowly starting to recede. Sexy, yes I know.

It wasn’t until this post that I admitted to myself that I had a problem and bought hair thickening cream. It isn’t Rogaine or one of those dumb expensive products—it’s “filler,” for lack of a better word. My godfather, who raised me, had a tube of the same stuff, Top Brass, in his medicine cabinet for years, and maybe I use it for sentimental reasons, a way to connect to him now that he’s moved. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, I use it cause I’m vain as shit and it seems to work— giving my hair more volume and giving me a false sense of confidence that I’m not really slowly going bald. The downside of this product is that it fucking smells like a combination of burnt tires and an old Italian dude, like my godfather, so damn, maybe I am sentimental. It should be noted, my godfather was bald at like 16, so not sure if this is quite the ringing endorsement. Normally, I put a hat on right after this.

Up next, I moisturize my face, thanks to Gawker alumni Rich Juzwiak’s piece on looking young in the face. Dickriding Rich here, this is a great post and combined with the previously linked Adequate Man piece, much less textual dribble and saying “fuck” every other word than this one. With that said, “Hey Rich, call me.” For moisturizer, I use Lather & Wood’s Luxurious Sophisticated Mens Moisturizer for the Man’s Man, being the manly man that I am. I did little to no research on this product and most likely bought it because it was the first option Amazon offered when I searched for “Manly Man Moisturizer.” If you quit smoking, currently smoke, or just want to have healthier skin, MOISTURIZE. I see a huge difference in my “glow” now. Keep in mind that, for 20 years, my face was a fucking tannery and is slowly regressing back to the tone it had pre-smoking.

I then tend to my unruly beard, by using Maestro’s Classic Beard Butter. It flattens your beard to your face, makes it softer, and makes your beard and chin divot smell nice. Continuing this good-scent routine, after years of smelling like smoke and general grossness, I have regained a somewhat decent sense of smell. I used to wear cologne to mask the scent of cancer on me, but now I use it because I want to be known as the “damn that guy smells good” guy. For scents, I stick to the Maison Margiela Replica perfume series. Each one smells of a certain era, with names like “jazz club,” “beach walk,” “brunching with the gals in Greenpoint on a Sunday and ‘I can’t even,’” and “by the fireplace.” My shit is called “At The Barber.” Take a wild guess what it smells like?

This is the most expensive toiletry I own and it’s worth it. Well not really, because I learned if you go into a Sephora and say “my girl/boyfriend told me about this scent and I can’t remember which one it was, but it was part of the Replica family, they will straight up GIVE you FREE samples of the cologne, which is much cheaper than buying it. I should say that the bottle I own was a Valentine’s gift from a girl I was seeing, so instead of tossing it, I keep it because every spray reminds me of her and how she made me so happ—daaaaamn, GOT ‘EM! Let’s be real, I keep it ‘cause that shit was expensive and I’ve since been banned from getting free samples in every Sephora in the tri-state area. Oh, if you happen to read this, can I get back my Pax charger I left at your house? Thanks, miss you, call me. Now I’m done with my morning routine and have maybe 10 minutes to catch my train.

Work Work Work

The most calming part of my morning is my commute in to and out of Grand Central. Before I moved to “the country” (meaning 26 minutes away from Manhattan), I rode the G then the L to work every morning for five years. I’m convinced this lead to my premature graying and receding hairline. Now, I am able to get a somewhat comfortable seat and chill out for a little while. Once I arrive at Union Square, I grab a coffee at Dunkin Donuts, where I have befriended/charmed the staff over the course of time and now receive a a senior discount as well a free donut. One vital lesson my mother taught me, besides clean nails, is kindness. Treat people well and they will most likely treat you well. It really doesn’t hurt to smile and ask about the person who takes your coffee order. Everyone has a story they want to share. You will make them feel special and possibly get a free Boston Cream.

My ego will not allow me to be the “schlubby” one in our pod.

After my daily banter with my baker friends, I go to work and for the next eight to nine hours, drink water. Lots and lots of water. This is good for the skin and ultimately bladder. Being completely transparent here, there’s another reason for my beauty routine besides trying to reverse years of cigarette damage: I sit in a room with a legitimate supermodel; a model/Grammy-nominated singer and songwriter; my under-30 art babies with their perfect hair and skin; the rest of The Root ladies with their perfect hair and skin; and Jim Cooke. My ego will not allow me to be the “schlubby” one in our pod. As previously stated, Vanity is a powerful drug. And you obviously agree or you still wouldn’t be reading this. Are you even reading this? Hello?

Night Moves

Work usually wraps around 6ish and I rush to Grand Central to catch my train home and my 26 minutes of calm, which I often shatter completely by reading Barf Bag and/or Axios. When arriving home, I work out for an hour, primarily to tell people “Hey, did you know I’ve been working out?” I’ll be honest, working out really really sucks, and I hate every minute of it, but… hashtag vanity. I’ve been lucky enough to be lean most of my life, albeit with a tiny bit of paunch, so to actually have A muscle now has motivated me to keep going. Additionally it’s the best and cheapest form of therapy, except Soul Cycle, which is a cult and none of those people are actually your friends. Also, I don’t have cable TV, but my building’s gym does, and Shark Tank is never not on. Once my workout is complete and I’m jacked as fuck from all those killer gainz, I mix protein powder with almond milk and have a generally light dinner. Alone. Cold. Sad.

Winding down after dinner, I prepare myself for my night routine. Minus the horrible leathery skin, years of smoking abuse tarnished and yellowed my expensive once-braces laden teeth. I’ve pondered the Magic Smile light whitening, tried the Colgate whitening strips (which kinda really hurt my emotionally fragile teeth) and pretty much every non lavender-bergamot-teatree whitening toothpastes on the market to less than stellar results. one man showed me the light: the Canadian actor Aubrey Drake Graham.

This post on Instagram changed my nightly tooth routine and it’s the only whitening procedure that seems to work for me. I did no due diligence outside of Mr. Graham’s post, so Ijust ordered the first one I found on Amazon, Premium Teeth Whitening Charcoal, and it came with a free toothbrush, so win-win. It is absolutely vital that you have a spare toothbrush to apply this product as it is messy and will destroy your nice toothbrush. As a rule of thumb, I spread a few paper towels out in my sink to catch the stray ebony powder that this shit leaves everywhere. Once the charcoal activates with the saliva in your mouth, it creates a weird solid ink that will make you look like an extra from an early 2000s Marilyn Manson video, but you will have noticeably whiter teeth.

After gargling with water, I floss out the remaining charcoal, brush my teeth with the Sonic Care, and get rid of the whole The Ring look. Considering I showered post workout, I do a quick rinse of my face and then apply night moisturizer. I use Serenade Repairing Night Cream, which is really freaking expensive, but donates to animal shelters, so I’m all for that. (Unless they donate to cats, which I do not support.)

Full disclosure: Working with models who run The Root’s beauty site comes with a lot of awesome perks, such as getting this moisturizer for free. Price aside, this product is killer. It goes on smooth, one could say velvety even, dries well and my skin feels more hydrated after usage. I can not stress how great this product is and how much it helps my skin forget about the mentholated garbage clouds I destroyed my skin with for far too long. My teeth and skin weren’t the only thing affected by smoking—the bags and darkness under my eyes were dreadful. After quitting smoking I’ve seen a dramatic change, but I also use but ORIGINS Starting Over™ Age-Erasing Moisturizer with Mimosa (which after a quick Google search Ijust learned is also really freaking expensive). Full disclosure part 2: I have a friend who has a very special “gift” of “getting things” and she gave me a jar of this one day. I don’t ask how or where she got it from, but I could ask for a white tiger and a week later she will show up at my place with a pet carrier. One thing I learned recently from my friends at The Root is how to properly apply eye cream. Use your ring finger and gently pat the cream in. I was not aware of this and used to slather this crap all over my eyes, honestly if I had known the price, i would have been more conservative. Great product, especially once you learn the proper application process. After this I go to my room and what’s this I see, oh wow, a nicely made bed, what a treat. IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS. I hop in and generally watch Canadian reality TV on Netflix as I find it extremely soothing and calming, until I fall asleep, eh.

Tl;dr: Don’t smoke cigarettes, drink your greens, use moisturizer, Aubrey Drake Graham offers wonderful dental advice, Kinja Deals, and “why, yes I have been working out, thank you for noticing.”