The Bachelor Can’t Dance And Maybe He Can’t Fuck

Welcome back to the second week of Jezebel’s rigorous and highly scientific Cody Rigsby watch, wherein Jezebel’s Peloton-heads take a gander at what Mr. Fitness Instructor is up to on the world’s biggest launching pad for C-listers, former A-listers, and the occasional felon: Dancing With the Stars. This week Cody-Watch is canceled, because his partner, Cheryl Burke, tested positive for covid. Instead of giving the fitness man a different partner, he got to sit this one out while the rest of his pals did their very best. Some were good, a lot were unremarkable, but four stood out, for no real reason other than spunk, verve, and a willingness to fully inhabit public humiliation.

Other than these four so-called stars, there were some honorable mentions from Monday night. Kenya Moore showed out for the grown-ass women across the globe although her shining moment was ruined by judge Len Goodman whose commentary included the phrase, “You’ve got a lot of gear in the rear.” Someone call human resources. Broadway dancer and the show’s designated dead husband gal Amanda Kloots also gave an incredible performance that did not invite any inappropriate comments about her figure.

The Bachelor Can’t Dance, and Maybe He Can’t Fuck, Either?

Megan: Nothing in literature dictates that good dancers are good in bed, but there probably is something out there about how bad dancers don’t know what they’re doing in and around the lovemaking arena. Matt James, who I’ve been informed by my comrade Shannon, is the last Bachelor, is not a good dancer. He’s giving it his all, but his “all” should be his bare torso, which is arguably the best part of this samba. I’m petitioning the producers of this program right now to make it so that he is topless every single time he dances, even if the dance calls for a formal top. I understand that the Viennese Waltz or something requires a shirt, but for James, let’s make an exception. 4/10

Shannon: I see that Megan woke up on the generous side of the bed this morning. The shirtlessness is truly the only thing saving this dance number. The costumes are bad, Matt’s stiffness is giving agita, and what I find particularly irksome about this performance is that Matt constantly finds the camera and smiles his dead-eyed smile directly into my home and the homes of millions. 2/10

You Do Not Want to Smell What The Miz Is Cooking.

Megan: I have watched like, one million episodes of So You Think You Can Dance, so that means I’m essentially an expert in ballroom dancing and the proper way to execute a tango. This, bless his heart, is an admirable attempt! There’s more wrestler-face in here than I thought a tango should have, but there’s also the energy of a man out there who knows he’s not doing great, but is going to give it his best. That is energy that a lot of men could stand to reckon with, so I am forced to give it to the Miz. Life comes at you fast! 6/10

Shannon: I watch quite a lot of wrestling so I am very familiar with The Miz and his shtick. A thing that I love about him when he’s on WWE is that he wears these very over-the-top jackets when he enters a venue and I wish they’d let him bring one of those. Other than that it was very clear during the rehearsal clip that this man is working his partner’s last nerve and she is doing the best she can. He however is not. 5/10

I’d Rather be Drunk But At Least I’m Watching Jojo Siwa Have the Time of her Life!!!

Megan: Listen, this is JoJo Siwa’s competition to win. She’s a trained dancer, and Abby Lee Miller didn’t verbally abuse this child on cable television for nothing. Jokes aside, Abby Lee Miller is a monster, but JoJo is a consummate professional, with the correct amount of cutesy pep needed to make it all the way to the top. I love this teen, and even though I’ve found her enthusiasm to be frightening at times, I realize now that it is the perfect match for this program. 10/10

Shannon: Jojo took Jenna to her incredibly large house that has a large rainbow unicorn in the foyer, and then they did a dance. But I was so blinded by the fucking glitter and the unicorn I might have missed some of it. The parts I was able to see through squinted eyes looked fantastic, though, and if Jojo doesn’t win this show then I will go full conspiracy theorist and demand a recount. 9/10

Girl, You Know What’s Up!!!

Megan: Iman Shumpert is an earnest dancer. He is trying his very best, and his best is fantastic, if you ask me! Donnell Jones is an inspired musical choice, and though Iman’s not the best dancer in the world, there is a smoothness to his movements that I credit to both his basketball training and also Teyana Taylor, who is likely coaching him every night between shows on hitting that choreo. I want Jojo to take this thing home, but if she doesn’t, he could. 10/10

Shannon: Towards the end of this dance, Iman is on his knee looking at his watch while his partner artistically falls into his lap. I think I’m pregnant now. 8/10