The Bachelorette by the Numbers


You know how people have dreams sometimes? Not sleep dreams, like, “Hollywood”-sign-as-metaphor dreams? Well, last night this gal’s dream came true. And, suddenly, it’s as if I’m Princess Desiree cruising the land of v-necks and fairy tales in my either-bright-or-baby blue Bentley. Who knew I could reach nirvana with just 11 simple words…

“Today we will be starring in our very own rap video.”

…This is how glory must taste.

Season 9, Episode 2

19: Potential suitors.

Feels like infinity: Number of hugs Desiree has to execute when she enters a room.

3: Synonyms Brooks learned today – “Stoked” + “Pumped” + “Excited.”

: Discussions about Desiree’s design experience whilst in the bridal boutique.

1: Giant elephant in the room as they sit at the “Hollywood” sign…Sorry, that’s 1 giant elephant’s disembodied head.

0: Other times in life you should say, “Fuck it, let’s move this ‘Road Closed’ sign and just see how this bridge pans out.”

40: Years Desiree’s parents have been married.

Shucks: I mean, come on, that’s darling.

5: Cents in a nickel. And if I had a nickel for every time I’ve found myself dancing on a Persian rug atop an abandoned bridge listening to a private performance by Andy Grammer…

1 in 5: People forget to “strap their seatbelts” when on “an awesome ride.” Buckle up for safety, folks.

14: Reactions a contestant can have to getting invited to share his date with 13 other dudes. These are including but not limited to: “Alright,” “Yeah buddy,” single or double fist pump, something in Spanish, and high-fiving oneself.

1: Reactions anyone else would have to getting invited on something similar – “No, thanks. I’m good.”

14: Number of men Desiree is not familiar juggling.

11.5: Desiree’s personal best.

3: Syllables I never knew could sound so sweet. All the roses go to Soulja Boy.

1: Nifty new dance move I learned last night. What was Dance until “the burger flip?”

Numerous: Occasions in which, yes, Desiree, it is “nice having Soulja Boy here to guide everything that’s going on.” Like that time I got lost in my canoe.

1: New pick-up line, via Brandon = “I’d like to jiggle my junk in your vicinity.” Swoon city.

4: How many seasons “I’m here for you, girl.”

2: Very different implications of the word “seasons” in this context.


0: Times you should repeat Brandon’s “love = butterfly” metaphor.

1: Person whose “in-two-ish-un” must always be relied upon = James, the living aggregate of Staten Island stereotypes.

1: Points Brandon earned in my book by saying he’s “falling in like.”

120: Points Bryden earned for getting so excited about Smartfood Popcorn.

5: Exclamation points for the one-on-one with Bryden = A kite! Sand art! Picnic basket! Orange grove! He doesn’t know what brie is!

2: Pictures of his horrific accident that Bryden just happened to have in his breast pocket while on a date.

5: “I”’s I added to “nice” after Desiree told Bryden, “Just kiss me already.” Niiiiiice.

1: Story about your diabetes that is not gonna compete with the abandoned child and the man in the exploding car. (But I am sorry you’re going through that.)

1000: Percent less legit the “drama” between guys on The Bachelorette is than The Bachelor. One raise of Tierra’s eyebrow and they’d all be crying.

1: Word to describe Mikey and Michael’s (also, I mean, that’s phenomenal) whining about Ben, The Incredible Interrupting Monster = “Sissies.”

3: New additions to Toasting On Your Toes with Desiree Hartsock: 1) “To road trips and fish tacos.” 2) “To more roses and more memories.” 3) “To the right reasons.”

3 million and 73 thousand gajillion billion: Amount of times I needed to hear the phrase “for the right reasons” before I realized I’d found the right reason to go spontaneously deaf.

84: Seconds of the-best-thing-that’s-ever-happened-to-me-slash-rap-video available here, with a surprise guest star that may literally make you see God.

Ah, men.

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