The Mormon Church Has Released a Guide Aimed at Protecting Children From the Evils of Coffee

To prevent scores of Brigham Young students from getting all strung out on coffee, hopping themselves up on the java until they’re roaming the streets shaking their empty Starbucks cups for loose change to get that next fix, a youth magazine aimed at teenaged members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has published a handy guide for understanding which drinks do and do not contain coffee.

According to the Guardian, the guide comes as a response to a new Starbucks opening near Brigham Young University, a church-owned college in Provo, Utah. The guide warns youths that an innocent-looking milkshake could be hiding the devil’s jitter beans:

“So, before you try what you think is just some new milkshake flavor, here are a couple of rules of thumb: one, if you’re in a coffee shop (or any other shop that’s well-known for its coffee), the drink you’re ordering probably has coffee in it, so either never buy drinks at coffee shops or always ask if there’s coffee in it.”

While even stepping foot inside a coffee shop was forbidden until recently, the church wants kids to know that even if they hang out at the Starbucks, they need to limit themselves to the drinks loaded with sugar and not spiked with caffeine:

“Drinks with names that include cafe or caffe, mocha, latte, espresso, or anything ending in -ccino usually have coffee in them and are against the Word of Wisdom.”

Meanwhile, the Mormon church has been accused of covering up the sexual abuse of children for years and most recently of forwarding calls to a 24-hour helpline for victims to a law firm that defends the church. But sure, keep those kids away from cold brew, that stuff could really mess them up.