This Week In Tabloids: Angelina's Topless, Heroin-Fueled Photos


Welcome to Midweek Madness! In today’s tabloids, we see nude photos of Ms. Jolie, learn Katie Holmes is pregnant again, and discover Lindsay Lohan’s a “crybaby” who’s figured out a way to cut herself while deprived of sharp objects.

Someone at OK! has been forced to write the novelization of the “explosive” Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami finale:

“Cowering with Kourtney and baby Mason inside a locked bedroom while a blood-covered Scott rampages through the girls’ apartment in an alcohol-fueled rage, leaving shattered glass in his wake, Kim finally snaps. “He’s crazy,” she pleads to her sister. “I don’t get why you always forgive him.”

With shaking hands, Kourtney lights a cigarette to soothe her jangled nerves, unwittingly triggering an explosion caused by a faulty gas line, and ending the Kardashians forever. Or something like that. I couldn’t finish the article. Next: Megan Fox just got married, so naturally we must assume that she’s trying to get pregnant by the end of the year. This week’s hot playground gossip: Suri Cruise and the kid who plays Caroline Kennedy in Katie Holmes’ new movie are BFFs. “They’re definitely bonding — holding hands, playing tag, and doing cartwheels,” reports a source. Jennifer Lopez has lost 15 pounds, and “it’s not some trendy diet that did the trick.” She’s doing acupuncture! Sandra Bullock’s “been having a good time chatting with her girlfriends about who she could potentially go out with,” says an insider. “She’s drawn up a list of guys she has a crush on.” But it’s all a waste of time, since the mag has already made a chart to determine who’s her “perfect match.” (Image 7) She’ll date who OK! says and like it. As always, OK!‘s gossip fails, but there’s a pull-out Bad Girls Club poster inside (image 8) which makes this mag a steal at $3.99.

Grade: F (Explosive finale of your reality show revealed in tabloid.)

In this six-page snooze-fest, we get a blow by blow of the Bachelorette finale, minus one tiny detail: WHICH DUDE SHE’S MARRYING. The most interesting facts in this story: Ali Fedotowsky used to have a lazy eye and likes to eat ramen dry right out of the package. Moving on: Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Eric Johnson has pulled out of the two-year business program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton school to stay in L.A. a mooch off Jess. Next: Christina Applegate says of her pregnancy, “I was shocked when I found out! … You just go, wow! I feel like the universe knows how to give something to you when it’s time and I got it.” Finally, now that she’s transformed herself into a boy, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is on a gender-bending rampage, and has set her sights on her family members. Angelina says that after her kids saw the Salt trailer, “Half of them were completely uninterested, and Shiloh wanted me to cut my hair short.” Bloggers who don’t treat the star say Shiloh’s love of jaunty cropped haircuts indicates she’s deeply disturbed.
Grade: F (Your penchant for uncooked Ramen is exposed.)

In Touch
At no point in this story does Kourtney Kardashian shed tears over Scott Disick having another woman. However, Scott made sex tapes with many women years ago in New York, and “the existence of any tapes would bring Kourtney to tears.” A source claims that Scott and his friends used to be in a fake gang called the “Scummers” and they’d “do all these really awful things together.” For instance, Scott’s friends would hide in the closet and secretly tape him having sex with various women. “Sometimes, his friends would jump out of the closet. He’d try to let them join in.” Or, “He would purposely go to the bathroom in someone’s living room or make himself throw up and then leave.” Moving on: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are both in long-term relationships, but since she laughed at a joke he made on the set of Friends With Benefits rather than kneeing him in the groin, they’re clearly in love. Hear ye, hear ye, Ashlee Simpson is now “scary skinny.” In Touch has whipped out its magical photo scale and determined she weighs only 100 pounds. Suri Cruise is chauffeured to and from her mom’s set in “her own” $80,000 Escalade, though we’re pretty sure it still belongs to her parents. The mag alleges that Hilary Duff got breast implants, Botox, and fillers to prepare for her upcoming wedding. (Image 9) In other news, Angelina Jolie took her four oldest kids with her on the Salt promotional tour, even though Brad Pitt begged her not to. Pax coped by dressing like his dad in Japan. “Perhaps it’s his way of staying close while on the road,” the mag theorizes. As for Maddox, he was miserable while shopping for trinkets at a local bazaar in Moscow. Wondering why Angelina’s a bad person for taking her kids with her, when the alternative was being condemned for abandoning them and putting career before family? Dr. Gilda Carle explains, “they are going to look at relationships as unstable and flighty and think the answer to emotional issues is to just hop on a plane and escape.” Lastly, In Touch hired a courtroom sketch artist to imagine what Lindsay Lohan is up to in jail. (Image 10) Apparently she’s strutting in front of the other inmates, getting neglected by her mom, and binging on junk food.
Grade: D- (Girlfriend finds your giant box o’ sex tapes.)

Life & Style
ZOMG Katie Holmes is pregnant! This is truly miraculous news, since according to the tabloids she’s been pregnant for two-and-a-half years. She wore a clingy dress (image 11), is playing pregnant Jackie O in her new movie, and has been “rubbing her belly a lot” so it must be true this time. Next: Lindsay Lohan’s “prison diary” is actually Life & Style‘s diary of all the stories TMZ has published about Linds in the past week. While The Bachelorette was in college, there were rumors that she was sleeping with the men’s basketball coach. Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with staying thin. She works out every day and never takes a day off from her strict diet. “She’s been like this for a decade. Yoga, running exercise, dieting — it’s her main priority.” It’s almost like staying super-thin and pretty is her job! Jessica Simpson is in negotiations to become an American Idol judge. Leighton Meester’s ex Sebastian Stan is dating Glee‘s Diana Agron. Speaking of Glee, here’s a picture of 18-year-old Charice Pempengco, who may or may not have had plastic surgery to prepare for her appearance on the show. (Image 12) Jersey Shore‘s Sammi explains how she lost 15 pounds: “I just changed my diet, and the next thing you know the pounds just came off.” How bizarre! Oh and BTW, the Jersey Shore kids are getting paid between $15,000 and $30,000 and episode to “punch, drink and have sex.” They only deserve it if they can do all three at once. In “Stars’ Figure Flaws — Fixed!” we learn that Katy Perry is cursed with an athletic body, Kylie Minogue is too petite, Ashley Greene is disgustingly curvy, and Kate Walsh is too tall. Yet somehow they all summoned the courage to clothe their hideously flawed bodies and walk the red carpet. Finally, now that I know we have the same shoe size, I feel a deep cosmic connection to Mandy Moore. (Image 13)

Grade: D- (World learns of your non-existent pregnancy.)

Angie & Brad: The Photos That Will TEAR THEM APART!
On the one hand, this is just another cover story based on Andrew Morton’s upcoming Angelina Jolie tell-all, which we could probably reconstruct in its entirety by stapling together old issues of Star. On the other hand, we like pictures. There are eight never-before-seen photos of Angie, which were ostensibly taken during a 1999 heroin binge. In the pics she’s posing in a dog collar with tape on her nipples and flashing her thong while wearing a cowboy hat. Supposedly Brad’s going to leave her because these pictures don’t “fit with her image today as a responsible mother of six children and highly respected goodwill ambassador for the United Nations.” Right, but it’s not like these are kinky pics of Audrey Hepburn — we’re all well aware of Angie’s past, as that’s like, why she’s famous. Anyway, there are some more amusing tidbits here. After she got a “below-the-belt” tattoo of Billy Bob Thorton’s name, she got upset because Timothy Hutton called her and asked her to marry him. Her friend advised her to, “Buy some crotchless panties and keep the lights low.” She lost her virginity to a dude named Anton at 14, and her mom invited him to move in and gave them the master bedroom. We’ve heard the story about Angie hiring a hit man to kill her, but now we learn that she’s alive today because he told her to think about it for a month. She changed her mind and explained, “It’s so weird and so complicated and… so like a fucking movie.” Yes, “girl commits suicide by hiring an assassin” is such a Hollywood cliche. Blind Item: Which hot Hollywood husband has an oh-so open relationship with his equally hot but older wife? We hear they like to swing with other couples in anything-goes L.A. Jon Hamm and his girlfriend of 12 years, Jennifer Westfelt, have no intention of getting married or having babies. “There’s been a lot of divorce in both Jennifer and Jon’s families, so they are really turned off by the idea,” says a source. “I think they’re perfectly happy the way they are now, just the two of them. He makes her feel protected, she makes him feel strong. It’s a great balance.” Next: Ozzy Osbourne bought nearly all of Frances Bean Cobain’s artwork. Her paintings have been on display at a Hollywood gallery, and Ozzy wants to hang them in his recording studio because “the moody tone inspires him.” In other news, various Lynwood Correctional Facility inmates report that Lindsay Lohan was demanding a fan, yelling, “Hello, I asked for a blanket like two hours ago,” and cutting herself in jail. One woman says the guards have been hard on Lindsay because, “They don’t like crybabies. And Lindsay is one.” Finally, an update on the ongoing “Weight War” raging in Hollywood. Jessica Alba is too skinny, while Elisabeth Moss is “much better” now that she’s down to 125 lbs. from 140 lbs. Kate Bosworth is up to 120 lbs. and is now “just right,” but at 110 lbs., Lady Gaga has a “surprisingly flabby belly.”

Grade: C- (Tabloid publishes topless photos that are less raunchy than many of your sanctioned photo shoots.)

From OK!

From OK!

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Life & Style

From LIfe & Style.

From LIfe & Style.

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