This Week In Tabloids: Brad & Angie "Fight" In Public; Jon & Kate Kids Suffer

It’s Wednesday, and this is Midweek Madness, in which we snack on cheesy gossip from In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Margaret assists in separating the fresh from the stale, especially since Brad and Angelina are either on the rocks or happily expecting their 7th child, depending.

The cover story in this issue is about Ashley Tisdale having brown hair. And! She says: “I’ve been very skinny my whole life. I don’t really like this look… I look at Jessica Alba and I think she’s got a great body. I think that’s what women are supposed to look like.” She’s been Piloxing, which is Pilates boxing, so maybe that will help.
Grade: F (exploded can of Cheez Whiz)

Life & Style
“Torn Between Two Women.” This story is all in the pictures: the first spread is images of one night in Cannes — Robert Pattinson is seen sitting next to a pretty blonde, Erika Dutra; the next page is a series of pictures of Rob and New Moon costar Kristen Stewart, and Rob looks stressed out. The caption reads, “Did Robert tell Kristen about his wild night?” Maybe! Since they’re just friends, after all! The story titled “Brad And Angelina’s Big Fight” is illustrated by a photograph of the couple about to kiss. The mag claims she is “pulling away.” In this mag, a picture of people making out would be captioned, “They’re at each others’ throats!” Hey, you know that chick from America’s Next Top Model, CariDee English? She details what she consumes for a column called “What I Really Eat.” (Fig. 1) We added everything up and she’s only getting 767 calories a day. Not right.
Grade:D- (Kraft single with crunchy, cracked edges)

“Inside’s Jon Prison.” This is a smattering of tales about how awful Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 is and how rough Jon has it. A former boss of Jon’s says that Kate used to only give him $5 a day to spend, and if he was out and needed more money, she would “give him hell.” A company donated a used van to the family before the sextuplets were born, but Kate turned it down because it wasn’t new. A friend of Jon’s dad gave them a different van, and Kate never thanked him, AND she traded it in because she didn’t like the color. After Jon’s father passed away from cancer in 2005, Jon wanted to hang out with his brothers after the funeral, and Kate wouldn’t allow it: She told him he couldn’t leave her alone with the kids. Jessica Simpson is pitching a reality show about society’s scrutiny of women’s bodies. Wait, we’d watch that! The premise of The Price Of Beauty is this: Jess and a friend set out on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why. The bad news? It’s gonna have a Fear Factor element to it, as Jess tries some of the “shocking” things women do to make themselves attractive. Um, like foot binding? Oh, you saw this coming: Nadya Suleman, known as the Octomom, is working on a memoir. She’s hired a ghostwriter! Next: This will spoil the entire plot of the next three seasons of The Hills, but here it is: When filming in Hollywood, Audrina and Kristin Cavallari got into a fight and had to be pulled apart. Stephanie Pratt and JustinBobby were involved. The new breakdown is Lo, Audrina and Stephanie versus Spencer, Heidi and Kristin. Fun. Lastly, Jonah Hill and Spencer Pratt are feuding — they were high school classmates — but Jonah recently posed in some pix that mocked Speidi. Now Spencer is retaliating with a Funny Or Die video.
Grade: D+ (movie theater nacho sauce)

“Daddy Don’t Don’t Go!” On May 18, the TLC cameras captured a “scene” which was later cut from the show: Jon was trying to leave the house to go run errands and 8 year old Mady grabbed on to his leg and wouldn’t let go. She screamed that she didn’t want Jon to leave her and that she didn’t want to stay with her mom. Apparently execs at the network saw the footage and were “disturbed.” Also: Jon sleeps over the garage when Kate’s home, but when Kate’s away, he’s allowed to be in the house. An insider says Kate has told everyone on the show that she wants Jon to get his own place — apparently producers are “scrambling” to find him a nearby apartment, though the split would not be shown on screen. Angela Krall, their former nanny, tells the mag: “[Kate] is pretty much an absentee parent. And when she is around, she’s not very warm and cuddly… the kids would be heartbroken if [Jon] left them, and he would be heartbroken too.” Plus, Jon and Kate have been kicked out of their local church because they’re making a mockery of marriage. Still, Kate is working on a 7-figure clothing deal, another book, a perfume, a made-for-TV movie and a talk show. Perfume? Eau de Eight Kids? Moving on: Cameron Diaz is dating Adam Levine and it’s “too much too soon.” A friend says, “It’s how she gets with every man. When Cameron likes someone, she smothers him.” She even changed her cell phone ring to a Maroon5 song. Yikes. Is Tara Reid headed back to rehab? She was in Promises in December and has been sober for six months, but recently was seen spotted in a nightclub at Cannes, where she kissed several men and passed out at her table and had to be carried out of the club by total strangers. The Black Eyed Peas are feuding: is griping that Fergie is arrogant. Lindsay Lohan was only hired for her new movie, The Other Side, on the condition that she gain weight — she has 10 weekly weigh-ins. Oh, and she has to obey curfews and undergo drug and alcohol testing. It’s hard out there! Blind item! “Which reality show hottie may have been miscast as a ladies man? Since leaving his show, he’s been hooking up on the sly with a male celeb blogger. Be careful mixing business with pleasure!” The blonde with whom Robert Pattinson was photographed in Cannes — Erika Dutra — says, “We had a great time together, Rob’s very sweet. He’s even better looking in person than he is in photographs.” Blah blah blah. Next page: “Rob & Kristen: Love, Italian Style” First sentence: “With one last fling out of his system, Robert Pattinson hopes to finally cement his on and off relationship with Kristen Stewart.” Next: In “Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous,” Haylie Duff, sister of Hilary, had her nose and chin done (Fig 2). Melissa Gilbert has a book coming out and reveals that she was once engaged to Rob Lowe. But when he went off to make the movie Hotel New Hampshire, he asked his pal John Cusack to look after her while he was away — and when Melissa found out Rob was sleeping with Nastassja Kinski, she hooked up with John Cusack. Don’t you love dated gossip? Angelina is three months pregnant, and a picture of her at Cannes qualifies as a “bump alert. “ (Fig. 3) Oh, she also has new tattoos — scribbles Brad drew on her body that she had permanently inked on. She has one her shoulder, one on her back, and another on her arm. A source says: “She loves his doodles and loves that she has them on her forever.” You’ve gotta love a story called “Spencer Pratt: King Of Weed.” Apparently he started smoking up at 15 and used to toke everyday, always had a big bag and would share with everyone. In 2002 he moved on to pills — Xanax and Valum — but once he got beat up and left on a pool table, he went to rehab. Although he started smoking again. He smokes less now because he doesn’t want to mess up his chances of being famous. Lastly: A friend says Rihanna will get her “revenge” on Chris Brown by releasing her own “less than flattering, nude pictures” that will embarrass him. Plus! Apparently he was a “novice” between the sheets and she taught him everything he knows.
Grade: C- (modly Colby)

In Touch
“Now Their Fight Becomes Public!” Well, we predicted this would happen. Even though these are pictures of Brad and Angelina OBVIOUSLY in love, the magazine has captions like, “looking stressed,” “angry words” and “they’re so stiff.” Plus, there are pictures of the couple smiling and drinking at a party and the caption “The Whole Night Was Filled With Tension.” (Fig. 4) The mag claims they both got drunk and avoided each other, and yet they’re standing next to each other! In the picture captioned, “She’s With Another Man” Angelina is Literally sitting next to Brad (his back is to the camera). And the “body language expert” they use is Dr. Lillian Glass, who wrote How To Deprogram Your Valley Girl and the woman who shockingly declared Jon and Kate “sad” merely by looking at them! Anyway: “Brad is most definitely ready to move on,” says a confidant. “He is just biding his time.” Um, sure. Also: You know how John Mayer and Jen Aniston broke up? Well, “Brad and Angie’s Public Peck Looked A Lot Like John And Jen’s Goodbye Kiss.” (Fig. 5) Moving on: Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo which reads, “vivere senza rimpianti,” which means “live without regrets,” except it’s misspelled; the tattoo artist inked an extra i in the last word. Whoops! Kate Hudson is in a “risky romance” because Yankee Alex Rodriguez “could break her heart.” OMG the wimminz is delicate! A “pal” says, “She probably is not the next Mrs. Rodriguez.” Yeah, she’s definitely crying herself to sleep at night about that. Next: Did Josh Brolin cheat on Diane Lane? There are snaps of Josh — who is filming in New Orleans — with some woman named Melissa Green straddling him. Meanwhile wife Diane was home in Malibu. Josh and Melissa went into a building at 11:35pm and emerged together the next morning at 7:23am — she was wearing the same clothes. Before they did that, they were at a bar, where, a witness says, “Melissa sat in his lap, they were kissing each other on the mouth.” Bad! Britney has a “new body” and a “new man.” A trainer who does not treat Britney says, “As a fitness professional, I would say that Britney looks great in her new bikini body.” Yes, you must be a professional to say things like this. And! Is a bikini body is different from a regular body? Anyway, the “new man” is her “handsome” agent, Jason Trawick, who has a girlfriend but hangs with Brit and the kids often. America’s Next Top Model winner Teyona Anderson models “Sumer’s Sexiest Dresses” in a hideous spread where the dresses are ugly and she looks extremely uncomfortable (Fig. 6). Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon bought their first home together! It’s a $7 million 11,750 sq. ft. abode in Bel-Air; Mariah already has a triplex in Manhattan and a compound in the Bahamas, but this is “the perfect starter home for an A-list couple,” according to the mag. “What Happened To Their Boobs” is a frightening look at implants gone wrong (Fig. 7a,b). Lastly, this issue is brought to you by the praying Cheeto, known as “Cheesus.” (Fig. 8)
Grade: C+, downgraded to C for lame cover story (cheddar)

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