This Week In Tabloids: Brad & Jen Seen Kissing; Whitney Houston On Coke


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I snuggle up to gossip from In Touch, Ok!, Us, Life & Style and Star. Brad and Jen definitely kissed inside her Bentley — why else would it be repeated thrice?

“Confirmed: Finally, A Baby For Jen.”
While Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were doing promo for The Bounty Hunter in Madrid,”fans started buzzing about something else: The gleam in Jen’s eye, her easy, confident glow, and her hand resting on her not-so-flat-tummy.” Wait, but the mag claims it’s “confirmed”? Who is confirming? The eyewitnesses who saw a gleam in her eye? Oh, here: “Friends confirm this is the year” that Jen will either adopt or get pregnant. And there’s this: “Jen’s been advised to put on a little weight to conceive,” says a source. “She’s happy to gain a few pounds and is getting great feedback on her curvier bod.” And: “Her stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be.” Plus, Jen is grooming Gerard to be a perfect baby daddy: She made him go on a diet and exercise and also “slipped” him some “killer beauty tricks,” according to a source: “She got him to sign up for fake tanning sessions, once a week facials and she bought him man-Spanx — that was a tough sell, but she got him to wear it under his tux at the Oscars.” Moving on. Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz are in a “hair war.” The winner gets Justin Timberlake or something. Miley Cyrus might be “moving too fast,” because she wants to marry her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth, even though she’s only known him for 10 months. She’s talking about a wedding as soon as she turns 18. Lastly, Jennifer Lopez and Rihanna are “style BFFs” who had lunch recently and dress alike (see image 7).
Grade: F (dusty dirt floor)

Life & Style
“Out Of Control Monster!”
The mag got an advance copy of Kate Gosselin’s awkwardly-titled book, I Just Want You To Know: Letters To My Kids On Love, Faith &Family and a writer claims that the letters could have actually helped the kids had they been read privately to each child. Instead they’re Kate’s latest “money-making venture.” Kate tells Alexis that she knows the divorce has been “confusing and upsetting” and says “I’m willing to help you.” She implies that 6-year-old Collin has a fear of abandonment, and tells Cara, “you usually let Mady do all the talking for you.” Plus, she tells Joel: “I sometimes become impatient with you, being so easy-going, laid-back and good natured.” Hmm. That is… weird. Let’s move on. Angelina is turning Brad into a babysitter. According to the story, while Angie shoots The Tourist in Venice, “Brad — scruffy, sloppily dressed and looking harried — has been spotted carting his six young children around the city as if he were Angie’s hired help.” Or, you know, the dad who is taking care of shit while mom works. Has Lady Gaga had plastic surgery? Dr. Richard Chaffoo, who does not treat her, thinks that she had a nose job, a chin implant, lip injections and a cheek augmentation (see image 8).
Grade: F (acrylic crocheted blanket)

“Inside Kate’s Train Wreck”
Kate Gosselin makes her Dancing With The Stars partner Tony Dovolani use the basement entrance instead of the front door to her home. “She says it’s quicker, but she’s just showing him who’s the boss,” says a source. During a rehearsal, she told Tony, “I’m the reason anyone knows your name, so give me a break.” Apparently Tony can’t wait to get rid of Kate, even it means losing early; she acts like a major celebrity, is stand-offish and a diva, blah blah blah. If you’re interested in DWTS, there are makeup secrets and details “you don’t see on TV” — Nicole Scherzinger and Kate are enemies; producers want Pamela Anderson’s costumes to be more modest; Niecy Nash hearts body glitter, etc. Kourtney Kardashian has ultimatum for Scott Disick: “Grow up or get out.” Lastly: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have money problems — they spent $1.5 million making Heidi’s Superficial CD (which only sold 658 copies when it debuted); they spent $200,000 on psychic Aiden Chase; $400,000 on healing crystals and $30,000 on plastic surgery. But! They do have income — Heidi makes $150,000 an episode for The Hills and Spencer makes $100,000 an episode. Sigh.
Grade: F (thin, old sleeping bag)

In Touch
“Jen & Brad Caught Kissing.”
Before reading this story, we had to admire the artfully Photoshopped opening spread, in which Jen is getting into a car and Brad is getting into a car, but the mag tries to trick you into thinking that it is the same car, which it is not (see image 9). But on to the details: Bodyguard Bill, who has been spilling secrets to In Touch, tells us that on December 9, on one of the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills, at 3:30pm, Jennifer Aniston pulled up in her Bentley and Brad Pitt arrived on his motorcycle. Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat and they were “very cozy, clearly embracing.” Bill reveals “for the first time” that Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing. If this story sounds familiar, it’s because In Touch printed it already, on December 23. And if you didn’t read it then, you may have read a similar tale about Jen and Brad embracing in a car on on January 27 — also in In Touch. Bill says he has overheard Brad take a call from Jen and say, “It was great, I needed that, Charlie.” See, Brad’s alias for Jen is “Charlie Sanders.” Bill says: “We’re told, ‘Brad has a package coming in today from Charlie,’ so that we do not have to open that package.” Brad also calls Jen “Charlie” in phone calls, emails and texts. A few of the staff members who work in the Jolie-Pitt house are aware that Brad takes phone calls from Jen. As recently as March 24, a friend says that Jen wrote to Brad that she couldn’t sleep, and was thinking about him. Three days later, Brad sent Jen a message asking if she was awake and letting her know that he was in Amsterdam — alone. After joking about smoking hash, Jen called Brad a “bad boy,” and he replied, “need it.” Six kids will make anyone want to get high! The mag notes: “Brad rarely smiles or laughs around Angelina anymore.” Oh, and BTW: Angie is “skin and bones” because “the stress is showing.” Next: Following this morning’s news that Whitney Houston has been hospitalized, it’s interesting to read this story called “Whitney’s Dangerous Relapse.” Apparently Whitney recently walked into the Beverly Wilshire hotel bar and screamed, “I want a fucking drink,” then, according to an eyewitness: “I saw her pull a plastic bag out, put a folded bill to her nose, and snort a line from it, of what, to me, certainly looked like cocaine.” The source adds: “She’s extremely thin and looks like a disaster.” A music industry insider says: “Whitney’s comeback hasn’t turned out as well as planned. Her years of drug use took a toll on her voice, and it shows.” Whitney’s “ravaged vocal chords” have had her “croaking on stage,” and another insider says “Whitney’s acting strangely, like she is under the influence of drugs. She’s sweating like crazy, even when it’s cold outside.” The story called “Sandra: Love Child Nightmare” is about how Jesse James got some chick pregnant, which we’d already heard — and the lady didn’t keep the baby. Lastly: Worst Story Of The Week goes to “Celebrity Cellulite Wars,” in which female celebs get their thighs and butts zeroed in on, and the mag declares the one with less visible cellulite the “winner.” Boo.
Grade: C- (bare coil spring mattress)

“Explosive Showdown.”
This entire story is attributed to “a source,” but it’s the exact same story that Ian Halperin has been telling — though the mag never mentions his name. There’s stuff like: Jesse made “harassing” phone calls to Sandra and told her she would “regret it” if she ever divorced him; Jesse “scares the hell out of Sandra’s loved ones,” who are “worried that his temper might get the best of him in a confrontation” and so is Sandra; “she’s afraid of him.” The source claims that a few months ago, Sandra went to the West Coast Choppers garage to confront Jesse, because she suspected he was being unfaithful, and an insider says: “He denied everything, but she got so mad, she threw a wrench at the wall.” Then Jesse tried to blame Sandra for making him go back to drinking, after he publicly boasted in March of last year that he’d been sober for nine years. A friend says: “While he didn’t confess to cheating, he tried to blame Sandra for making him turn to other women, complaining that she was always away, and he was lonely, but it meant nothing.” Supposedly he is coaching Sunny, telling her to call Sandra and say “Please come home, Mommy.” Ugh. Moving on: Liam Hemsworth has been living at Miley’s parents’ home since last winter, but now Miley wants him to move into the new house that she bought. A “friend” says: “Miley is actually incredibly mature for her age. She does what she wants, and what she wants now is to live alone with Liam.” Next: Jake Gyllenhaal is dating Transformers actress Isabel Lucas. Blind item! “Which rehabbed actor is taking a real gamble with his sobriety? He started drinking at parties again. Though his wife is worried, he says it’s not a problem — at least not yet.” Guesses? Affleck? RDJ? Johnny Depp was hanging out in Venice when someone ran up to him and said “Eddie!” The guy thought he was Eddie Vedder. Johnny wasn’t offended and told the dude he’s a fan of Pearl Jam, too. Robert Pattinson’s aunt, Diana Nutley, tells the mag that SparkleVamp has stopped speaking to most of his family; she says, “It looks like we’re being frozen out.” Family Christmas was canceled, and birthdays are “going ignored”! Insiders on Dancing With The Stars claim that producers are keeping Kate Gosselin on the show for ratings, even though she should have been voted off already. There may be a call-in scandal — viewers who wanted to vote for Kate went right through, but people trying to vote for Shannen Doherty found phone lines jammed. In Jenny McCarthy/Jim Carrey news, a source says they’ve had lots of mini-breaks, but this split is for good. They broke up because Jim has depression problems and sometimes refuses to take meds. A source says Jim would get really down and just disappear, hiding out in a hotel room and not answering her calls. Apparently Chelsea Handler told Jenny to reevaluate her relationship with Jim, and urged her to ask herself what she was getting out of it. The good news is, Jenny will let Jim see her son, Evan. Britney’s mom has moved back into Britney’s house for an “emergency relationship rescue,” trying to keep Brit and Jason together. In an interview, a reporter says to Jennifer Lopez of The Back-Up Plan: “This is your comeback film.” She says: “I don’t think of it as a comeback. I was just home on maternity leave, working and making music, and now my first movie’s out since I was fat.” HA! In Brad and Angie news, Brad has “stormed out” again — as we know, this is his favorite method of leaving a room, according to the tabloids. This time, he “stormed out” of their Venetian villa… and went to the London premiere of Kick-Ass. He wound up drinking and smoking all night at the home of supermodel Claudia Schiffer. Angelina was furious that while Brad was away, he ignored her calls and texts. (Wasn’t he in a movie?) “He told her to relax, and that sent her over the edge,” says a source. “She started screaming at him and made fun of him getting wasted yet again. She even called him a bum because of his scruffy beard.” He told her that if she paid more attention to him, he wouldn’t have to party so hard or flirt with other women, and told her he’s “totally bored.” After this, they went to “opposite corners” of their Venetian house, then called a “temporary truce” so that they could visit refugees in Bosnia together.
Grade: C- (comforter on a hardwood floor)

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