This Week in Tabloids: Downtrodden Kardashians Plan Mutiny Against Kim
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we scavenge through the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: the Kardashians are ousting Kim in a peaceful koup; Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are getting married; and Mariah Carey is a “fragile fountain of tears.”
OK!
I STILL HAVE A WILD SIDE!
OK! has printed an interview with Angelina Jolie. In it, she sounds, as always, very St. Angie-esque — when asked what happened to her “wild side,” she responded, “I’ve adjusted the direction of my energy… I stopped thinking of myself so much, which happened the first time I went to a war-torn country… You wonder how you were ever so blind to think that you had something to complain about, when so many people have so little and are suffering so much.” That will teach YOU to ask Angelina Jolie insipid crap about her past, I guess. Elsewhere in the magazine, an article written by the poet laureate of tabloids proclaims that Mariah Carey is a “fragile fountain of tears.” She is sad about her fraying relationship with Nick Cannon, you see. Describing her recent trip to DisneyWorld, OK!‘s artist-in-residence adds, “Even in The Happiest Place on Earth, Mariah was the picture of misery.” K. Moving on: Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are not having a wedding and a baby, as the cover alleges, but, you know, the headline was fun and it would be stupid to let a good photo of Selena Gomez touching her stomach go to waste, so they’ve made up a cute lil story about how Biebs and Gomez are having lots of unprotected sex. “It’s a miracle they haven’t conceived three kids by now,” says a source. A TRUE MIRACLE. In other news (the best of the week), Christian Bale allegedly prevented a riot at a Chinese restaurant by doing a Jack Nicholson impression. As the tale goes, customers at ShopHouse in Santa Monica started gnashing their teeth impatiently and on were the verge of erupting into anarchy because the cook was running late, but Bale stepped in and appeased them. “I would have never pictured him doing something like this to calm a crowd,” said a grateful onlooker. Same.
GRADE: D (a fly sitting atop carrion and rubbing its horrible little fly legs together conspiratorially)
Star
TWO BABIES!
Both Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian are pregnant, says Star. Kate Middleton is officially pregnant, having announced earlier this week that she’s expecting a child, whereas Kim is probably fake-pregnant as usual. According to an “insider,” Kate and William texted 30 of their friends announcing the pregnancy and “even attached a stork smiley.” WHAT IS A STORK SMILEY? Do the royals have emojis that we peasants are forbidden from using? Definitely burying the lede here. As for Kim’s baby, we can ascertain that she’s pregnant because she’s “glowing” and talking less about wanting to get pregnant. As we all know, the only way to get a woman to stop talking about how she wants to have a baby is to impregnate her. Obviously. Anyway, Kim is reportedly very excited to have another baby born at the same time as a Royal Baby because she and Kanye are American royalty. Hoorah. In other news, Douglas Booth wants to date Miley Cyrus, but she will not settle down because she is still nursing her broken heart. This story is noteworthy only because it allows me to remind everyone of the seminal film LOL, in which Miley and Douglas Booth were co-stars. In LOL, Miley Cyrus plays Demi Moore’s daughter, and the entire plot is essentially her updating her Facebook status. It was criminally snubbed at the 2012 Oscars. This magazine, as usual, contains nothing but boring drivel — elsewhere, there’s a story about Brad and Angie’s prenup. They are being fair to each other and protecting the children, says a source. Cool, sounds great.
GRADE: D- (a raccoon digging through the dumpster behind a Red Lobster. The dumpster is filled with warm clam chowder.)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
