This Week In Tabloids: Everyone's Calling Caitlyn Jenner a 'Diva' Now
Celebrities
Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we give our best friend Kacey Musgraves a call and meet up for brunch, see a movie after, walk around the park and talk about life, get an afternoon snack at some place on the High Line, spend the evening at her house watching OITNB and ordering Seamless, and then wake up from a very good dream and stumble to the magazine store in the heat to see what famous people are actually up to. This week: Kourtney’s pregnant, Justin’s cheating, Brangie’s divorcing, and Kaitlyn looks more and more like Miley’s sister every single day.
Pop a melatonin and finish reading before it kicks in.
OK!
KOURTNEY PREGNANT & BETRAYED!
Kourtney Kardashian is EIGHT WEEKS PREGNANT and she’s LEAVING SCOTT. For good this time. I guess. Maybe. Who knows. So what happened was, Kourtney found out she was pregnant, told Scott, and he “hit the roof.” It’s not clear with what he hit the roof, but the roof was hit, and Kourtney has since told him to hit the road. An insider says “he’s coming completely undone” and that “the only way he knows how to handle difficult situations is by boozing. He’s a mess.” He recently went out in NYC, did coke and Quaaludes, then had sex with a “hot young 21-year-old girl” – all while Kourtney was taking care of the family at home. And because he’s always out partying, she “basically feels like she’s raising the kids alone.” Scott says “he can’t live with a woman who’s so controlling,” but I’m not sure what, exactly, she’s been controlling.
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are moving in together! It’s easy to forget about this couple because they’re so rarely photographed together, but sources say Jen has “started moving her stuff into Chris’ $14 million Malibu mansion.” I’m picturing her knocking on his door holding a single box of things. Some succulents, a few Blu-rays, her favorite mug, the Oscar she won for Silver Linings Playbook sticking out of the flaps. “Just set it over there,” Chris says as he points to the living room, where Gwyneth is sitting, drinking tea. “Hey Jen!” she says. “Oh. You’re here.” “Yep! Chris and I got breakfast this morning so I thought I’d drop by. Aw, you brought your Oscar? I used to keep mine in the kitchen.” Jen just sighs and pulls a beer out of the fridge.
You know, I knew this was coming, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. Now that Caitlyn Jenner has revealed herself to the world, tabloids have begun to call her a “diva.” I believe today marks the first instance of what will surely be many. An insider says “For years I knew Bruce as a nice, humble, genuine guy, and now I know Caitlyn to be just the opposite.”
Her diva-like behavior:
- Being “fixated on lighting and what angle the crew shoots her from.”
- “She’s a little rude and arrogant and short-tempered.”
- She’s a “seriously sassy woman.”
- She’s “obsessing over her face” and “her twitter account.”
- She required toilets that “flush themselves” be installed in her renovated home.
They also wrote that her gender “has changed.” Cool. Never accept the pickle juice, Cait. Never ever.
And Also:
- Famous people can’t stop floating on inflatable swans.
- The couple from Married at First Sight is miserable. Who’d have thunk?
- Khloe Kardashian is in love with Houston Rockets player James Harden.
- Paris Hilton’s new beau is worth $200M.
- Gwen Stefani only hangs out with her kids when photographers are around.
- Tamra Judge only gets baptized when photographers are around.
- Maybe Ireland Baldwin was attacked by three men. But, then again, maybe she wasn’t.
- Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting is “secretly worried” Ryan Sweeting is cheating on her. I’m publicly worried that I’m about to start caring about them.
Grade: C- (You start caring about the life of Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting.)
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