This Week In Tabloids: Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals


Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide not to buy In Touch, Star, OK, and Life & Style because nothing interesting is happening anyway and it’s much more fun to imagine the sordid things currently happening to the characters from our favorite holiday movies in an absurdist way that features no sense whatsoever regarding timelines or continuity.

Let it snow, let it snow, here we go.

Home Alone


I definitely didn’t see this one coming! Sources say Buzz McCallister recently dropped a bombshell on his family by announcing his girlfriend, whose name no one has yet caught, is four months pregnant. “His mom and dad flipped and sent him to the third floor to think about what he’d done,” claims an insider. Kevin was apparently delighted to have the attention off him for once, but the other kids made the entire incident about themselves. Says a source, “They started yelling at their mom and dad for never caring about their problems,” which include Lizzie’s recent abortion, Jeff’s drug problem, and Heather’s green card marriage to a man she met on Tinder. “They were screaming things like, ‘Fuck this family, fuck Buzz, and fuck Kevin!!!!’” Yikes!

After escaping from prison last year, Harry and Marv have reportedly been spotted in Ibiza of all places. An insider claims to have seen the two “partying with Jonathan Cheban” on the island paradise. “They both had beards, so I couldn’t tell at first,” he continued, “but when Harry started waving his hands to Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry,’ I noticed the M on his palm.” The source claims his suspicions were confirmed when Harry began hitting Marv in the shins with a crowbar after he got the lyrics wrong.

And Also:

  • The neighborhood’s pizza deliveryman was caught driving drunk.
  • Uncle Frank left Mr. Chow without tipping.
  • Bird Lady was arrested after throwing dead pigeons at tourists in Times Square.
  • Joe Pesci is acting like a “diva” on the set of Angels With Truly Disgusting Souls.
  • Linnie is what the French call, “knocked up and single again.”

Grade: B (You go to Ibiza with Jonathan Cheban.)

Christmas Vacation


This one is unbelievable, folks, so pour a little hot chocolate in your cup of peppermint schnapps before reading. In an exclusive interview, an anonymous woman is claiming that Clark and Ellen Griswold have been involved in a decades-long child trafficking ring that involves them parading children as their own in the months leading up to their forced emigration.

Said the source, “Every few months, they receive a new pair of children that they pass off as their children, Audrey and Rusty, while the higher-ups plan their routes out of the country.” And, the source notes, the Griswolds receive $100,000 per pair of children trafficked—which means they could have made up to $4,000,000 since beginning the operation. “They have to pretend to be middle class—needing Christmas bonus money for pools and whatnot,” the source continued. “But trust me, they’re loaded. With both cash and pure evil.” Ruh roh!

Cousin Eddie is missing! His last known contact was a this video, filmed in an undisclosed location.

And Also:

  • Ellen and Clark’s electricity was shut down after they missed four payments in a row.
  • Margot and Todd are divorcing.
  • Uncle Leo died. 🙁
  • Aunt Bethany is still alive! 🙂
  • Overcooked turkeys are OUT!
  • Green Jell-O salad is IN!

Grade: F (You run into Cousin Eddie.)

A Christmas Story


That’s it, they’re through! Ma and the old man have filed for divorce after ??? years of marriage. A neighbor told us the fight began on their front lawn, when the neighboring Bumpus hounds ran by and knocked Ma over as she tended to her begonias. When she asked the old man to do something about it, he merely screamed at them and went back inside. “And that really set her off,” the neighbor claims. “She started screaming things terrible things. Vulgar things I don’t even want to repeat. Something about a lamp? And an affair with a teacher? I don’t know it was awful.” We’re told Ma packed a bag and ran out of the house just an hour later.

A political insider claims Ralphie has been working for Donald Trump’s campaign headquarters in New York City. “He’s been a Trump supporter since day one,” says the insider. “Ralphie believes in building the wall, preventing Muslims from entering the country, and that Ivanka Trump is the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen, so it really was a perfect match.” Ralphie is currently rumored to be filming a campaign ad featuring in which he holds his favorite gun and shoots BBs at a group of people running around in Hillary Clinton masks.

And Also:

  • Ms. Shields got a nose job and a gallons of fillers.
  • Elon Musk invested in that leg lamp company.
  • One of the local mall elves was caught with his tongue stuck to Santa’s pole.
  • Everyone’s carrying Red Rider Carbine Action 200-shot range-model air rifles this season.
  • Ariana Grande was caught licking a duck at Chop Suey Palace.
  • Randy is back in rehab.
  • Scott Farkus is dating Frankie Grande!

Grade: C- (You eat the duck at Chop Suey Palace.)

Love Actually


After several years of happiness, we’ve learned Natalie, the chubby girl with the big thighs who fell in love with the Prime Minister, has left him for the President of the United States. Sources say the two “first hooked up years ago” at 10 Downing Street, and that they were interrupted by the Prime Minister. “She played it off like the President had come on to her,” says an insider. “But really, she totally wanted it and came on to him first.” The Prime Minister, we’re told, is devastated, and has begun consulting with his advisors about the possibility of going to war with America.

Karl and Mia are adopting twins! The happy news comes just 6 months after they went public with their romance. A source says Karl has been wanting kids “for years,” and that “being rejected by Sarah after years of holding out for her really made him realize that he can’t wait any longer.” Mia, who is still Harry’s assistant, is reportedly “over the moon” with excitement. A rep from their adoption service claims they were immediately charmed by Mia when she began her first meeting by saying, “I don’t want a baby I need, I want a baby I want.”

In related news, Sarah moved in with her brother at his hospital.

And Also:

  • Mark was arrested for filming women without their permission on the underground.
  • Juliet and Mark are in marriage counseling.
  • Juliet is also getting IVF treatments.
  • Oh my god who cares about Juliet and Mark.
  • Billy Mack and Britney Spears are fucking again.
  • Daniel left that Claudia Schiffer lookalike for Liam Neeson.
  • Colin died of untreated syphilis.
  • Jamie and Aurelia both drowned while trying to save another novel from a lake.

Grade: D- (You marry Jamie.)

Contact the author at [email protected].

Images via Warner Bros, MGM, Universal, 20th Century Fox

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